Inside this week’s Bumper St Beuno Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
IRISH COACHING COCK-UP FIASCO POINTS TO PENGUIN; HOWLEY IN SHOCK SAINT SUMMONING CLAIM; EMBRA EMBRASS AGAIN; DONALD DUCKS DOWN BATH PLUG HOLE TO JAPAN; POOPER SCOOPER’S PARTY POOPERS
The rugby world was reeling this St Beuno Day as it was revealed that a 14 year-old student, in the IRFU offices on work experience, ensured that Declan Kidney’s successor as Ireland coach would be a penguin.
“I only did what I was told”, Caoimhin Halloran told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. “They said to get Joe, Les, Shaun and Mike in. The only Joe, Les, Shaun and Mike I knew were my pet penguins. So I got them in.”
IRFU CEO Phillip Brown was unrepentant when he spoke exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask. “First we were accused of keeping Declan on past his use-by date, now it’s claimed we don’t know the difference between Joe Schmidt, Les Kiss, Shaun Edwards, Mike Ruddock and four penguins. The fact is, Joe, Les, Shaun and Mike all interviewed well [see photo above], and, frankly, a crate of fish a day is a hell of a lot less than the €350,000 a year Declan was bleeding out of us.”
A poll of Irish rugby fans taken exclusively for THE SUNDAY Hask by HaskPoll revealed that 128% of those polled thought the IRFU should be replaced by penguins while 7% believed all seven days should be declared days of rest.
Across the water, yet another Celtic crew competed to claim the rugby headlines with Welsh Six Nations mentor Rob Howley citing inspiration from St Beuno as the key to their stunning tournament victory. “He was a proud Welsh lad was Beuno”, Howley told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. “He stuck St Winifred’s head back on after she has beheaded,” Howley continued, “and that defines Welsh commitment. I only had to mention St Beuno to the lads after the first-round Irish disaster and they were miles ahead of me. Mind you, the Irish will be an even tougher nut next season with a penguin calling the shots. In fact, I’m thinking of replacing Shaun Edwards with a polar bear. It’ll have better table manners for a start.”
Meanwhile, with shocking predictability, Embra embrassed their fans yet again by falling limply to Treviso, leading to Embra fans calling for their squad to be fed to penguins. While Bath fans don’t have RWC Medal Winner Stephen Donald to thank for a fine fighting win over Leicester. 12,200 Bath fans packed The Rec to jeer Donald on his way to Japan’s Mitsubishi Dynaboars who clearly don’t do due diligence either. “I’ve seen better handling and goal kicking from a penguin”, one Bath fan told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively.
In Pooper Scooper land Down Under, Reds’ and Brumbies’ fans were left stunned as their heroes played party poopers with an exciting if ultimately frustrating draw. “Like kissing the Irish coach-elect”, a penguin told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively.
NEXT WEEK EXCLUSIVELY IN YOUR THE SUNDAY Hask – IRELAND’S NEW COACH REVEALS HIS SHOCK STRATEGY
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy St Beuno Day.