THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper St Peter Chanel Day Edition – April 28, 2013

equipmentInside this week’s Bumper St Peter Chanel Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

FATLAND FANTASY TO FRUITION IN SHOCK SPONSORSHIP SIGNING; HEASLIP’S HOPES HUMPED AS BIARRITZ BOSHED; COLOSTOMY RON’S HOT HOT-PANTS MOTIVATE MUNSTER; SARACENS TO PLAY IN VACUUM SHOCK

The rugby world was reeling this St Peter Chanel – patron saint of over-priced eau-de-cologne – Day when the British & Irish Lions announced a last-minute sponsorship deal with agricultural and earth-moving equipment giant JCB that sees coach Warren Gatland’s every selection fantasy finally come true.

Inspecting [pictured above, obscured] a potential Lions Inside Centre, Gatland told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “Doc Roberts is a decent bosher but sometimes he forgets himself and tries to offload. No chance of that with this big boshing bugger.”

moleTHE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that we have had a mole inside the British & Irish Lions camp since Gatland’s appointment. He surfaced this St Peter Chanel Day to provide this THE SUNDAY Hask exclusive insight into Gatland’s shock work-in-progress first-choice Lions forwards thinking:

truck_pics copy2“Warren’s going with an openside scoop and back-hoe because its IQ’s three times higher than Sam’s”, our mole told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. “So no chance of any idiotic spear tackles. Plus it can’t gob self-serving shite to the media and won’t break if you look sideways at it.”

Our THE SUNDAY Hask mole also provided us with this exclusive insight into Gatland’s first-choice Lions backline revealing no less coaching perspicacity:

Jcb_Backs copy“The scrummy’s got 4WD, a 17-litre V30 under the bonnet and no brakes”, our mole told us. “A bona fide extra flanker instead of Mike the wishful thinker. And the Right Winger can just about turn around inside the area of a rugby pitch so it’s light years ahead of Alex for mobility. Plus its windscreen washer’s been disabled so it can’t leak in the case of a loss.”

Pressed by THE SUNDAY Hask on the Left Winger’s apparent speed and skill potential, our mole revealed that it didn’t have either wheels or a motor. “That’s Warren’s masterstroke. They’ll just park it out on the wing to confuse the Wallabies,” our THE SUNDAY Hask mole told us exclusively.

THE SUNDAY Hask understands that JCB were inspired to invest in rugby after industry rival Caterpillar’s successful involvement with Leicester Tigers. “Caterpillar have profited hugely from a coach blaming everyone else but his team and himself for a loss and JCB look forward to plenty of grizzling from Gatland”, a source close to JCB told THE SUNDAY Hask.

Meanwhile, in the light of Gatland’s shock selection strategy, heaslipJamie Heaslip’s barnstorming two-try demolition of Biarritz was a complete waste of energy in terms of Lions selection.

“Feck me”, the Leinster and Ireland Number 8 told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “I shaved three times before the match to save me shaving tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday morning. I wanted to look my best for the Lions squad announcement.” Pressed by THE SUNDAY Hask on his thoughts on being usurped for the Lions 8 role by a JCB front-end scoop, Heaslip scoffed, “They’d get a shedload more miles to the gallon out of me. Going AWOL for half a game’s a great fuel saver.”

Elsewhere in European rugby, hot HC favourites Clermont were given the fright of their French lives by POC’s Munster who were inspired to unexpected heights by OAP Colostomy Ron’s hot tight white hot-pants. Colostomy Ron told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively that he discovered them at an ABBA costume jumble sale. “They helped Bjorn hit the high notes,” the OAP told THE SUNDAY Hask, “and a little bit of him rubbed off on me.”

Meanwhile, Saracens will make rugby history this afternoon by playing the second HC semi-final in a vacuum. The 17 people with nothing better to do who had decided to attend the game decided life was too short.

NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – A SHOCKING BUS CONFESSION

XXX

“I admit I could have missed him but, feck sake, I play 8 in a Leeds Sunday Public Transport League and nailing Danny Cipriani was going to win me free beer for a year. I don’t regret it.”

We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy St Peter Chanel Day.

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744 Responses to THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper St Peter Chanel Day Edition – April 28, 2013

  1. laraxwell says:

    @ Daff -I still think Halpenny, Cuthbert, Roberts, B Davies and Warburton is a helluva core to start with.
    I really expected much better from the side this year.

  2. daffodane says:

    There are some names that keep coming up that I personally think will not be on the Lions tour, Tipuric is one of them, Maitland and Visser, I think only one of them will be selected. Gethin Jenkins, mmmm, don’t think so, Youngs at Hooker, JW.

    I’

  3. Cor. This is offensive:

    2. Jeremy Clarkson. A man so repellent and sexist that he must be on a one-man recruitment drive to Sapphism. Surely women will consider this representative of a proper straight man to be so off-putting that lesbianism, even to the most sceptical, fearful and brainwashed female, will shine like a beacon of hope?

    Admittedly that was Bindel, but even so that’s offensive.

  4. firstdifference says:

    @ Cat

    I don’t think Rattue cares about the franchises as such, I think he cares more about the central contracting and emphasis on international games to the detriment of provincial games. He had another article where he was claiming that the NRL was better than S15 because of its sole focus on the club game, completely ignoring that there is no international rugby league worth mentioning.

  5. RoS says:

    Crash, if he is made captain of the Lions it is one of the greatest honours in rugby. Certainly NH rugby. Any individual would up their game with that kind of honour.

  6. yosoy says:

    ok I’m tired of flogging this horse but what do you mean by ‘phones it in’ -is this the new hiphop speak of youth?
    If Warburton has nothing to play for at Cardiff, it will take him and other players in similar position more time to get up to test speed. Others playing in latter stages of knock out stages will come into the tour closer to that level. This is why it ought be relevant in selection

    ‘phones it in’ = makes an appearance but isn’t physically present.

    That’s why they have warm up games. We went through this yesterday: how many of the 37 are involved in end of season chance-of-a-cup fixtures? Not all of them, unsurprisingly.

    Call me radical, but I put more stock in having played well in a test match recently a better barometer than playing in the fucking Rabo playoffs. Every Lions coach ever does, too.

  7. firstdifference says:

    Why is everyone blaming Warburton because Wales isn’t as good as the Wallabies? Not much he can do about that. The Lions aren’t Wales.

  8. The Lions aren’t Wales.

    This is the problem. We know Wales aren’t good enough to beat Australia. Or at least 7 on the bounce strongly suggests so, so basing the team on Wales would appear to be worrying.

  9. elsnoopio says:

    @Cat

    Not sure I agree with this so much. How long have they got before the first test?

    First competitive match would be the first test.
    Just warm up matches against scratch sides and under strength Aussie Super 15 sides before that.

  10. daffodane says:

    I still think Halpenny, Cuthbert, Roberts, B Davies and Warburton is a helluva core to start with.

    With Wales commitments and injuries I’d be surprised if they’ve had much game time with the Blues this season. I’d be interested to see how many games they have played?

  11. firstdifference says:

    This is the problem. We know Wales aren’t good enough to beat Australia. Or at least 7 on the bounce strongly suggests so, so basing the team on Wales would appear to be worrying.

    Right, but none of this says anything specifically about Warburton as 7 or as captain. It might imply something important about the overall selection. Wales were a team more or less tailored to lose to Australia, they had very few of the attributes needed to win. I would be more worried about selecting Phillips at 9 than I would be about Warburton as captain.

  12. yosoy says:

    I really expected much better from the side this year.

    From a coach that’s been sacked several times and stars of the game such as Breeze, Reed, Pretorius, a 9 who’s mostly away on international duty and a rookie 10 as the spine?

  13. Chekhovian says:

    @Crash

    I don’t understand what Bindel is aiming at there. Gay people have spent decades arguing that sexuality is not a choice, but predetermined by hormones or genetics or whatever. Now Bindel seems to think that women can ‘choose’ to be lesbians.

    I think she might be an idiot.

    Oh, and yeah, Clarkson is not the archetype of the proper straight man. The fact that Bindel thinks he is shows that she probably doesn’t know many straight men.

  14. boanova says:

    I would be more worried about selecting Phillips at 9 than I would be about Warburton as captain.

    Agreed. If, as expected, Wag picks Phillips over Youngs, Roberts/BOD over manu/BOD, Lydiate over somone that’s not been injured all season, Cuthbert over Maitland, I’d be far more upset than picking Warburton at 7.

    Warburton’s a decent openside, but unfortunatly also a twat.

  15. tichtheid says:

    Lads/lassies, can I ask you all a question, please?

    What is the structure of club rugby in your country? For example Scotland currently has two national leagues and then regional leagues. England has pretty much the same, with the top two being fully professional. What about the rest of youse?

  16. Spankman says:

    So Joe Schmidt appointed Ireland coach. Thoughts?

  17. daffodane says:

    When you talk about spine of a team are there certain positions that are more important. I’ve always felt if you have a big fuck off Lock in your side a la POC, Jonno, Eales they would always be the first in my selection, especially as captain, it’s got to be POC, Shirley.

    Then after POC, Jones/Cole, Healy, Hibbard, then Phillips and BOD. Sexton/Farrell. 1/2p. Faletau SOB, then fill in the gaps.

  18. Craigsman says:

    Re the Bindel bollocks, I think the title ‘Five straights who have made life better for this 50-year-old lesbian’ says it all really.

    One of the commentators posted:
    ‘Ridiculous article….it’s like saying ‘five ginger haired people’ who have contributed to Lesbian causes.
    Start progress by stopping catagorization.’

    Which I agree with. And makes me wonder whether Sag has done anything….

  19. crashtopuss says:

    @chek

    Erm, that was Cat that posted that about Bindel.

    But I’ll weigh in anyway.

    Bindel I doubt is a “proper” lesbian, as in, someone who’s genuinely attracted to other women. From a lot of what she has said it seems more likely that she’s “converted” solely for political reasons and thinks that she’s genuinely denying straight men something special as a result. She basically gets off on being with-holding, no matter how mis-guided and off the mark it is.

    The attack on Clarkson is merely a temper-tantrum over the fact that Clarkson has way, way (little as it is) more impact on the national psyche than God’s gift to fannys; her.

    In some ways, the sooner the Graun goes under and Bindel is left bullying straight men on her local dole queue the better.

    And spare a thought for the poor women she decides she fancies. Could you imagine having Bindel pinning after you and trying to “woo” you.

    Jesus.

  20. avsfan says:

    Why is everyone blaming Warburton because Wales isn’t as good as the Wallabies?

    Or a 14 man France.

  21. Baldy says:

    Right, but none of this says anything specifically about Warburton as 7 or as captain. It might imply something important about the overall selection. Wales were a team more or less tailored to lose to Australia, they had very few of the attributes needed to win. I would be more worried about selecting Phillips at 9 than I would be about Warburton as captain.

    Bollocks.

    You dont lose (what is it) 3 of the last 4 games in the last 5/10mins from winning positions “without having the attributes need to win”

    Whilst i appreciate your point – wales are one of the dumbest most boring bosch merchant teams ever assembled, and to beat the aussies you generally require some nous – its not accurate, because wales are so bloody big, athletic, and they have 1/2p.

    Wales, this wales, are a confidence team. Now cut around all the shit, and that means one thing, mentally weak. They dont have the mental strength to dig deep when the shit hits the fan. Explains a fair amount of the difference between regions & national team too, as i spose does the fact most of the top players are un-droppable.

    Being able to close out tight games isnt about the tactical attributes of thew welsh rugby team, its about the brains & the balls of the individual players and their leaders.

    Now, the concern comes not just from Warbs as skipper, but philipps as a 9, whoever is at 10, etc.

    But dont even try and suggest the record of wales vs aus isnt relevant. Its fucking scary.

    The welsh are the best 6N team. Unfortunately the lions aint trying to win the 6N

  22. OnlyoneT says:

    @canary

    “It’s just a pity the atmosphere was so dull. I really think Sarries for all their playing strengths and good marketing are just not yet a “Big Club” in the way Tigers, ‘Quins & Gloucester are. Or Munster, Leinster and Clermont. Not enough vocal support.”

    Of course they’re not, not sure they even pretend they are in that respect. The reason for the crass marketing & PR noise that many complain about is they’re trying to build a fan base from a very low position. Less than 15 years ago their average attendance was under 200 and they played in a public park just off the north circular. There are less than 5000 die hard Season ticket holders and they’re the ones most likely to grumble about the gimmicks.

    Since then they’ve played in football stadia in Enfield and Watford. After a good Start in watford the crowd dissapeared and they barely scraped an average of 7000 crowd in the last season at Watford, despite being Champions. The move to their own ground is an amazing thing for me personally as at last there are long terms plans to put down proper roots and grow a fan base over generations, rather than desperately trying to picking up families of Spurs & Arsenal supporters on an away weekend. That said even in the new stadium there is very little atmosphere, despite demand deliberately being made high due to the small stadium.

    Maybe in 50 -100 years their fan base might be comparable with the city and provincial sides
    you mention and with it the Press releases might slow down…. maybe not.

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