Inside this week’s Bumper St Peter Chanel Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
FATLAND FANTASY TO FRUITION IN SHOCK SPONSORSHIP SIGNING; HEASLIP’S HOPES HUMPED AS BIARRITZ BOSHED; COLOSTOMY RON’S HOT HOT-PANTS MOTIVATE MUNSTER; SARACENS TO PLAY IN VACUUM SHOCK
The rugby world was reeling this St Peter Chanel – patron saint of over-priced eau-de-cologne – Day when the British & Irish Lions announced a last-minute sponsorship deal with agricultural and earth-moving equipment giant JCB that sees coach Warren Gatland’s every selection fantasy finally come true.
Inspecting [pictured above, obscured] a potential Lions Inside Centre, Gatland told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “Doc Roberts is a decent bosher but sometimes he forgets himself and tries to offload. No chance of that with this big boshing bugger.”
THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that we have had a mole inside the British & Irish Lions camp since Gatland’s appointment. He surfaced this St Peter Chanel Day to provide this THE SUNDAY Hask exclusive insight into Gatland’s shock work-in-progress first-choice Lions forwards thinking:
“Warren’s going with an openside scoop and back-hoe because its IQ’s three times higher than Sam’s”, our mole told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. “So no chance of any idiotic spear tackles. Plus it can’t gob self-serving shite to the media and won’t break if you look sideways at it.”
Our THE SUNDAY Hask mole also provided us with this exclusive insight into Gatland’s first-choice Lions backline revealing no less coaching perspicacity:
“The scrummy’s got 4WD, a 17-litre V30 under the bonnet and no brakes”, our mole told us. “A bona fide extra flanker instead of Mike the wishful thinker. And the Right Winger can just about turn around inside the area of a rugby pitch so it’s light years ahead of Alex for mobility. Plus its windscreen washer’s been disabled so it can’t leak in the case of a loss.”
Pressed by THE SUNDAY Hask on the Left Winger’s apparent speed and skill potential, our mole revealed that it didn’t have either wheels or a motor. “That’s Warren’s masterstroke. They’ll just park it out on the wing to confuse the Wallabies,” our THE SUNDAY Hask mole told us exclusively.
THE SUNDAY Hask understands that JCB were inspired to invest in rugby after industry rival Caterpillar’s successful involvement with Leicester Tigers. “Caterpillar have profited hugely from a coach blaming everyone else but his team and himself for a loss and JCB look forward to plenty of grizzling from Gatland”, a source close to JCB told THE SUNDAY Hask.
“Feck me”, the Leinster and Ireland Number 8 told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “I shaved three times before the match to save me shaving tonight, tomorrow and Tuesday morning. I wanted to look my best for the Lions squad announcement.” Pressed by THE SUNDAY Hask on his thoughts on being usurped for the Lions 8 role by a JCB front-end scoop, Heaslip scoffed, “They’d get a shedload more miles to the gallon out of me. Going AWOL for half a game’s a great fuel saver.”
Elsewhere in European rugby, hot HC favourites Clermont were given the fright of their French lives by POC’s Munster who were inspired to unexpected heights by OAP Colostomy Ron’s hot tight white hot-pants. Colostomy Ron told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively that he discovered them at an ABBA costume jumble sale. “They helped Bjorn hit the high notes,” the OAP told THE SUNDAY Hask, “and a little bit of him rubbed off on me.”
Meanwhile, Saracens will make rugby history this afternoon by playing the second HC semi-final in a vacuum. The 17 people with nothing better to do who had decided to attend the game decided life was too short.
NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – A SHOCKING BUS CONFESSION
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy St Peter Chanel Day.