Speaking exclusively to AoD from his favoured body-waxing venue, Hask said, “Fuck that smarts! Take a tip from me – don’t wax your todger!”
At which point Hask slammed down the phone in agony, leaving it to us to celebrate his pending Lions Squad selection with the announcement of the release of his Hask Immersive™.
“Fuck Google Glasses and Facebook Phones,” Hask told us exclusively – and still in agony – in a follow-up call, “only my Hask Immersive™ will let you follow me on my triumphant Lions tour of Vegemite Sandwichville. Plus you can do other cool stuff with it, too. Just don’t wax your todger with it.”
What is the Hask Immersive™? Let’s start with the easy-to-read Quick Start Guide.
Designed by the Hask himself in close collaboration with renowned genius LFB Youngs, the Hask Immersive™ provides you with the following:
· Constant streaming directly into your brain of Lions matches DOMINATED by Hask. Should more than one match be being played around the rugby world, Hask Immersive™ will provide multiple split-screen viewing of all available content. Never miss a moment!
· Dedicated Hask Immersive™ commentary at all times. You can choose one of three voices. Choose Eddie Butler mode by shouting “Fof-farrrrrr-nar”. Choose South African commentator mode simply by falling asleep. Default setting, of course, is commentary by Hask himself.
· Like to dream of sexy rugby players? This feature is especially for BTL ladies and, perhaps, even some of our gentlemen. You will be fully immersed into a Halfpenny-Carter sandwich every time you nod off. This aspect is obviously fully programmable. If you prefer a Castrogiovanni-Marler sandwich, the choice is yours, but Hask will not be responsible for the consequences.
· Alerts whenever a new ATL article is posted on AoD with “First!” automatically posted BTL in your name.
· 3D X-Ray interrogation of scrums, rucks, mauls and breakdowns so you know better than the ref. Obviously this feature will automatically self-disable whenever Alain Rolland is refereeing to prevent the software crashing.
· Unique Spot The Cheats filter, as endorsed by Sir Ruchie. See how they get away with it!
This extraordinary technology might or might not have been endorsed by Brian Moore as the obvious solution to rugby’s scrum problems.
Celebrate Hask’s selection in the 2013 Lions Squad tomorrow by securing your very own Hask Immersive™.
Price on application. All profits to the plastic surgeon refurbishing Hask’s scarred todger.
Originally intended to be brought to market on April 1st 2013 but beta-tester Coddfish spent too long immersed in a Wilkinson-Carter sandwich