AoD Exclusive Offer! The Hask Celebrates His Pending Lions Squad Selection With The Release Of His Hask Immersive™

Speaking exclusively to AoD from his favoured body-waxing venue, Hask said, “Fuck that smarts! Take a tip from me – don’t wax your todger!”

At which point Hask slammed down the phone in agony, leaving it to us to celebrate his pending Lions Squad selection with the announcement of the release of his Hask Immersive™.

“Fuck Google Glasses and Facebook Phones,” Hask told us exclusively – and still in agony – in a follow-up call, “only my Hask Immersive™ will let you follow me on my triumphant Lions tour of Vegemite Sandwichville. Plus you can do other cool stuff with it, too. Just don’t wax your todger with it.”

What is the Hask Immersive™? Let’s start with the easy-to-read Quick Start Guide.

Hask_Immersive_4 copyDonning the Hask Immersive™ helmet will have you as close to the Hask’s own helmet as anyone has been and lived to tell the tale.

Designed by the Hask himself in close collaboration with renowned genius LFB Youngs, the Hask Immersive™ provides you with the following:

·      Constant streaming directly into your brain of Lions matches DOMINATED by Hask. Should more than one match be being played around the rugby world, Hask Immersive™ will provide multiple split-screen viewing of all available content. Never miss a moment!

·      Dedicated Hask Immersive™ commentary at all times. You can choose one of three voices. Choose Eddie Butler mode by shouting “Fof-farrrrrr-nar”. Choose South African commentator mode simply by falling asleep. Default setting, of course, is commentary by Hask himself.

·      Like to dream of sexy rugby players? This feature is especially for BTL ladies and, perhaps, even some of our gentlemen. You will be fully immersed into a Halfpenny-Carter sandwich every time you nod off. This aspect is obviously fully programmable. If you prefer a Castrogiovanni-Marler sandwich, the choice is yours, but Hask will not be responsible for the consequences.

·      Alerts whenever a new ATL article is posted on AoD with  “First!” automatically posted BTL in your name.

·      3D X-Ray interrogation of scrums, rucks, mauls and breakdowns so you know better than the ref. Obviously this feature will automatically self-disable whenever Alain Rolland is refereeing to prevent the software crashing.

·      Unique Spot The Cheats filter, as endorsed by Sir Ruchie. See how they get away with it!

This extraordinary technology might or might not have been endorsed by Brian Moore as the obvious solution to rugby’s scrum problems.

Celebrate Hask’s selection in the 2013 Lions Squad tomorrow by securing your very own Hask Immersive™.

Price on application. All profits to the plastic surgeon refurbishing Hask’s scarred todger.

 

Originally intended to be brought to market on April 1st 2013 but beta-tester Coddfish spent too long immersed in a Wilkinson-Carter sandwich

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Miscellaneous Hask and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1,009 Responses to AoD Exclusive Offer! The Hask Celebrates His Pending Lions Squad Selection With The Release Of His Hask Immersive™

  1. firstdifference says:

    @ Deebee

    The thing that Speight will bring is that he as pure finisher in the way that our other wingers aren’t. It’s a different world, I couldn’t have imagined a couple of years ago that having Beale out of contention wouldn’t seem like that big of a loss to our back three.

  2. Blindside flanker says:

    So, what will the XV be for the first test? I think Gatland will pick:

    Healy
    Hibbard
    Jones
    AWJ
    POC
    Lydiate
    Warburton
    Faletau
    Phillips
    Sexton
    North
    Manu
    BOD
    Cuthbert
    Halfpenny

    Bench: Jenkins, Cole, Hartley, Gray, SOB, Youngs, Farrell, Bowe/Hogg

    I’d pick:

    Healy
    Hibbard
    Cole
    Gray
    POC
    SOB
    Warburton
    Faletau
    Youngs
    Sexton
    North
    Manu
    BOD
    Maitland
    Hogg

    Bench: Vunipola, Youngs, Jones, AWJ. Tipuric, Phillips, Farrell, Halfpenny

    Anyone else think we are a bit light on ball carriers in the back row?

  3. laraxwell says:

    Ok..only heard selection now…not as predictable as some thought.
    Congratulations to all selected
    Time to get behind them now

  4. canaryatthewharf says:

    Regarding blog creakiness, it is taking me a page or so back when I post and refresh.

    Otherwise fast enough

  5. If Gats picks this:

    Healy
    Hibbard
    Jones
    AWJ
    POC
    Lydiate
    Warburton
    Faletau
    Phillips
    Sexton
    North
    Manu
    BOD
    Cuthbert
    Halfpenny

    The Aussies will win.

    It’s got problems all over the place.

  6. avsfan says:

    Congratulations to all selected
    Time to get behind them now

    Pffft. New around here?

  7. daffodane says:

    It is going to be Tipuric at IC in the last game, C’mon face it.

  8. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    ‘Ok..only heard selection now…not as predictable as some thought.
    Congratulations to all selected
    Time to get behind them now’

    Stop being reasonable. We expect your rant to commence shortly

  9. boanova says:

    If Gats picks this

    he won’t, it doesn’t have Roberts in it. Has Gatland ever not picked Roberts when he’s available?

    Which is a shame as Manu -BOD could be unbeliveably good.

  10. Underdog says:

    I’d go with your starting team, blindside. The backline looks good in particular.

    Any thought on a 6/8 partnership of Lydiate and SOB? I like Faletau, but to me, having both of them in there would scare the shit out of the Wallabies. Or would Warburton be that much more effective with Dan and Toby together?

  11. Underdog says:

    Yeah come on Lara, bang the drum.

  12. therealbennyblanco says:

    The lack of left wings other than North suggests that Hogg and Kearney will be filling that spot for the matches North is rested. I can’t think of any other solution.

  13. Swap Manu for Roberts and they’ll definitely, nailed on, lose.

    That’s basically Wales- and we all know Wales’ record v Australia.

  14. daffodane says:

    I think Faletau at 8 has been the most consistant selection for most people for months, but SOB at 8 with Lydiate and Warbs with Tipuric joining the game later could be a real tasty back row.

  15. dovahkin says:

    This is the selection.

    Jenkins, Hibbard, Jones,
    Evans, AWJ
    Lydiate,Toby, Warbuton
    philips, sexton, north, roberts, JD2, Cuthbert 1/2penny.

  16. Baldy says:

    your going to want to see BOD & roberts in action together pretty quickly i would think..

    Interesting to see who Manu gets teamed up with in the warm up games.

  17. PlanetoftheChimps says:

    Bah, wings are interchangeable, didn’t you know Benny?

    *awaits explosive apoplexy from Glasgow*

    Anyhoo, Hogg ain’t no winger, he’s a FB (Occasional OC, NEVER FH – listen, Gats you nippleheided nincompoop)

  18. firstdifference says:

    Is this a plot from the Northern Hemisphere to win the next World Cup? Wallabies win 3-0 Deans will keep his job till 2015 and blow Australia’s chances there again.

    Conspiracy theories emerging on Australian rugby forums.

  19. sagmog says:

    Fucksake.
    I only went out for a spot of lunch (‘slovely here) and we’re heading toward 1000 posts.
    Did I mention, it’s lovely here.
    Smoked venison salad, glass of Malbec….

  20. Underdog says:

    @Benny – agree on Kearney. Seems mental to me to take a surplus full back to then stick on the wing (if this is the case). Zebo or Visser would have been better, and would have offered a different dimension to the attack. Both would fit in with the quick/power game that we’ll apparently employ.

    @Daff – didn’t think about Tipuric off the bench. Laaaaverly.

  21. crashtopuss says:

    So, the thinking seems to be that despite Warburton not being good enough to be in the starting XV on merit or be worthy as captain it also seems that to justify his position a returned-from-crocked Lydiate was selected to go and hold his hand during games.

    Madness.

    Fucking madness.

  22. boanova says:

    So, what will the XV be for the first test?

    Healy Youngs Cole
    Gray POC
    Parling(for the lineout, innit) Heaslip SOB
    Youngs Sexton Bowe Manu BOD Maitland Hogg

    Nice looking backiline.

  23. firstdifference says:

    @ Sag
    No goat’s cheese involved?

  24. dovahkin says:

    manu will be left to play with JD2 in the warm ups with one of them hopelessly out of position. Seriously where are the 12s?

  25. crashtopuss says:

    Unless someone has IBS, and doesn’t want to mention it, I’m struggling to understand the baffling fondness for salad present in certain quarters here.

  26. boanova says:

    manu will be left to play with JD2 in the warm ups with one of them hopelessly out of position

    I don’t envy the wingers in those games.

  27. crashtopuss says:

    Without going Full Lievremont™ what’s the most out of position XV Gatty could try pick with a straight face?

    Stevens, Hibbard, Cole,
    Croft, Gray,
    Parling, Warburton, Heaslip
    Hogg,
    Halfpenny
    Kearney, BOD, North, Manu,
    Bowe

  28. yosoy says:

    So, the thinking seems to be that despite Warburton not being good enough to be in the starting XV on merit or be worthy as captain it also seems that to justify his position a returned-from-crocked Lydiate was selected to go and hold his hand during games.

    Although that line of thinking is coming from a bunch of fans on the internet and extremely unlikely that a similar line of thought will ever cross the minds of the coaching staff.

    Is this the number one conspiracy theory for the tour?

  29. crashtopuss says:

    Is this the number one conspiracy theory for the tour?

    No, merely one of the more annoying/plausible.

    The number one conspiracy theory is the other one I floated earlier that’s far bigger in scope; Gatland trying to get into the NZRU’s good graces by fucking up the tour and keeping Deans in a job.

    Pure bloody evil.

  30. sagmog says:

    Is this the number one conspiracy theory for the tour?

    Nah.
    JDII as placeholder for Jonny is No.1.

    What the fuck is wrong with a nice salad?

  31. boanova says:

    Is this the number one conspiracy theory for the tour?

    I was thinking something more like Matt Stevens being WAG’s illegitimate child. The ages kind of fit (in rural NZ), they don’t look ‘too’ dissimilar, and I imagine the lines of crack remind Stevens of his dad’s hair.

  32. therealbennyblanco says:

    The lack of 12s and 11s is seriously disturbing. In the games where the balance is all wrong with something like Manu/JD2 centre combo or someone hopelessly out of position on the left wing the coaches are putting unrealistic expectations on those guys to gel and play well enough to push for a test place, when in reality they’ll spend most of the game finding their feet, lower the quality of the side, risk losing the game against motivated home opposition and will have to show some special spark of individuality to stand out, meaning the team comes second, and this has a knock on effect of the players also on the pitch. How can Farrell push for a test start if he is playing with someone who never plays 12? Etc etc.

    It’s separation of the mid week and test team already.

  33. crashtopuss says:

    What the fuck is wrong with a nice salad?

    They’re perfectly fine in cases of IBS/attempted weight loss/no other food available.

    But that’s about it.

  34. Chekhovian says:

    From the squad, my preferred team would be

    Healy Hibbard Cole
    Gray POC
    SOB, Faletau, Tipuric
    Youngs, Sexton, North, Roberts, BOD, Maitland, Hogg.

  35. yosoy says:

    What the fuck is wrong with a nice salad?

    At least Venison is fairly manly. It’s a step in the right direction, Sag.

  36. daffodane says:

    Possible Lions 1st XV team with a motive from GATS

    Vunipola, Hartley, Cole
    POC, Gray
    Croft, Heaslip, SOB

    Youngs, Farrell,
    Bowe, BOD, Manu, Maitland,
    Hogg

    Dirt-trackers made up of 12 welsh +3. That way the Welsh lads can see how it’s done, and not embarress him when playing the Ozzies Again. And they’ll have the knowledge without showing their gameplan leading up to the next RWC when the Young lads will be in their prime, and Samson Lee has grown up a Little?

  37. boanova says:

    How can Farrell push for a test start if he is playing with someone who never plays 12? Etc etc.

    he’ll feel right at home – they can’t be worse than DCB

  38. yosoy says:

    Best test XV:

    Halfpenny, Cuthbert, JD, Roberts, North, Tipuric, Phillips; Jenkins, Hibbard, Adam, AWJ, Evans, Lydiate, Faletau, Warburton

    It means playing Tipuric out of position, but he’s got to be a better bet than the two flakey fuckers who’ve been named at 10.

  39. elsnoopio says:

    @Yosoy

    Is this the number one conspiracy theory for the tour?

    I’m thinking of trying to start a rumour that Gatland is an internaitonal drugs dealer and is just using the Lions tour as cover to get his drugs mule (Matt “WHY?” Stevens) into Oz.

  40. daffodane says:

    Is there one of the “Big” Clubs not represented in this Lions selection NGD get two!!!!

  41. Shibui says:

    I’d quite like to see Australia win this series to teach Gatland a lesson.

  42. macquiff says:

    Things I don’t want to see from this Lions tour:

    i) More than 8-9 Welsh in the test side – they have no idea how to beat the Wobblies
    ii) Hartley / Stevens anywhere near the Test team
    iii) A POC / AWJ lock pairing
    iv) Phillips / Murray partnering Farrell
    v) A Welsh centre pairing outside above half backs
    vi) Kearney on the wing
    vii) Cuthbert on t’other wing
    viii) Croft and Tipuric in the same team
    ix) Shitloaf being left alone for interviews
    x) Datratisafattwat being left alone for interviews

    Chances of all these coming to pass (unlike JDII)? Nigh on certain *cries*

  43. yosoy says:

    June should be a good, unproductive month for me: Lions tour, other summer tours, the JWC in France…

  44. boanova says:

    Did a new blog just appear then disappear?

  45. laraxwell says:

    ‘Tis a positively bonkers selection alright
    But did we ever expect anything less from Gats?
    He looks to entertain and he just keeps on giving
    Haven’t read back but how is Larry coping with Best’s omission.
    TBH the Irish lineout was shambolic over the 6N and it has cost Best dearly…but none of the 3 hookers are exactly Phil ‘the power’ Taylor
    Big problem for Gats now is how to find a room mate for Dylan
    Also Aussie Customs alert for Stevens although he could lonk up wit

  46. laraxwell says:

    Link up with ‘plank’

  47. canaryatthewharf says:

    ‘Quiff

    Share nearly all your fears, at least those I could decipher.

    Any reason to fear a POC/AWJ combo? And why not Croft & Tipuric?

  48. tichtheid says:

    Matt.
    Fucking.
    Stevens.

    There, I said it.

Comments are closed.