What the fuck?
Seriously. What the fuck?
I’m perplexed, confused, and dare I say it bamboozled. Something utterly inexplicable and simultaneously horrendous has happened.
It appears, against all logic, that that fat Kiwi git has taken leave of his senses. He’s picked enough back row forwards to fancy their chances in a scrap with the Bolivian army and for some utterly unfathomable reason omitted yours truly.
Fuckssakes, Warren, I thought we were closer than that. Remember all the good times at Wasps? How you’d look at me, laugh, and then tell me to get into shape? How you watched me accidentally crush a Ford Fiesta with my love truncheon and smiled?
I mean, really, Warren, you made me the perfect specimen of humanity that I am today. It’s all down to you, your guidance, your wisdom and your foresight in assigning Big Lawrence as my mentor. I credit you fully for equipping me with the tools for DOMINATION, for giving me the insight and self-awareness to mould my GUNS into siege weapons of TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION.
And now, now you’ve done this. You utter, utter bastard.
What’s the matter? Am I not big enough? Am I not tough enough? You know that you need me to DOMINATE the shackle-draggers.
You can’t be so witless as to basically pick that bunch of Welsh tossers who lost 7 on the bounce to them. You can’t.
Why, Warren, Why? Is this a joke? Because it’s not fucking funny. Is there something in the water in Wales that has caused you to go slightly senile?
Don’t you love me any more?
I had a special set of budgie smugglers made up with a snarling lion on the front of them and everything.
How could you do this to me?
What did I do? I mean, I got your text about staying friends and all, but I don’t think your heart is in it. Have you met someone else? You can’t prefer that English traitor with the pointy chin and pathetic GUNS who breaks all the time, surely?
You just can’t.
Why, Warren, Why? How could you do this to me?
Fine. Fuck you then. Be like that. I’m off to Argentina with England and the PE Teacher to play for a team that might actually fucking win.
You see if I care, you rotten bastard.
I hope the convicts stuff you.
I can’t go on any more. It’s terrible. I feel the end is near…