The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2): The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Blood, Sweat, Tears and DOMINATION: This is what I bring to the table.

What the fuck?

Seriously. What the fuck?

I’m perplexed, confused, and dare I say it bamboozled. Something utterly inexplicable and simultaneously horrendous has happened. 

It appears, against all logic, that that fat Kiwi git has taken leave of his senses. He’s picked enough back row forwards to fancy their chances in a scrap with the Bolivian army and for some utterly unfathomable reason omitted yours truly.

Fuckssakes, Warren, I thought we were closer than that. Remember all the good times at Wasps? How you’d look at me, laugh, and then tell me to get into shape? How you watched me accidentally crush a Ford Fiesta with my love truncheon and smiled?

I mean, really, Warren, you made me the perfect specimen of humanity that I am today. It’s all down to you, your guidance, your wisdom and your foresight in assigning Big Lawrence as my mentor. I credit you fully for equipping me with the tools for DOMINATION, for giving me the insight and self-awareness to mould my GUNS into siege weapons of TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION.

And now, now you’ve done this. You utter, utter bastard.

What’s the matter? Am I not big enough? Am I not tough enough? You know that you need me to DOMINATE the shackle-draggers.

You can’t be so witless as to basically pick that bunch of Welsh tossers who lost 7 on the bounce to them. You can’t.

Why, Warren, Why? Is this a joke? Because it’s not fucking funny. Is there something in the water in Wales that has caused you to go slightly senile?

Don’t you love me any more?

I’m devastated.

Gutted.

I had a special set of budgie smugglers made up with a snarling lion on the front of them and everything.

How could you do this to me?

How?

What did I do? I mean, I got your text about staying friends and all, but I don’t think your heart is in it. Have you met someone else? You can’t prefer that English traitor with the pointy chin and pathetic GUNS who breaks all the time, surely?

You just can’t.

Why, Warren, Why? How could you do this to me?

Fine. Fuck you then. Be like that. I’m off to Argentina with England and the PE Teacher to play for a team that might actually fucking win.

You see if I care, you rotten bastard.

I hope the convicts stuff you.

*sobs*

I can’t go on any more. It’s terrible. I feel the end is near…

Ciao,

James.

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1,029 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2): The Lion Sleeps Tonight

  1. LarryM says:

    @tcod – yeah, yeah.

    Best team won!

    Only injustice was Henry getting robbed of his man-of-the-match award by Ferris (who I only thought was third best player… POC was fucking unreal).

  2. dovahkin says:

    So, the end over end pass is a back up for the less talented? The best in the business never use it as they’re good enough to execute the more advantagous technique in all situations?

    Im really confused on this one.

    But we dont know what talent is? unless its backed up by stats? But stats that show success (as in winning games) dont count, as they have no context, whilst rucking stats require none? And the succesful use of stats by economists proves their worth to rugby, beyond doubt?

    My head hurts. This is probably as Im in the presence of inteligence I cannot fathom.

  3. yosoy says:

    If you can’t see how good Hogg is, especially for a fella just turned 20, then… wow. Just… wow.

    By the end of his career, he could be remembered in the same breath as Cullen. That’s the extent of his potential. Is there any doubt that, currently, he is pound-for-pound the best attacking 15 in the NH? And that he’s also got a HUGE boot, and defends well in the tackle and in the air?

    I think he’s great for a kid, but if he’s remembered, worldwide, with the Cullens I will be very, very surprised. I don’t think he has that much potential, even if he is clearly a good player who’ll get better. Potential all-time great? Highly unlikely.

    His defence won’t win him a test spot at full back. It’s not good enough as it stands.

  4. Chekhovian says:

    @Cat @MVML

    Fuck off. Fuck right off.

  5. laraxwell says:

    Anyone remember how good Iain Balshaw seemed after his first season in Test rugby?
    I do
    He was expected to be a star of the Lions tour
    But to be fair he didn’t totally fall to pieces
    was deemed good enough to travel with the other 200 in 2005

  6. Anyway, I’m sure I read somewhere that 88.8% of Stats are made up.

    (I did. A guinness ad. Shameful).

  7. Give it a year and Elliot Daly > Stuart Hogg they’re both the same age after all.

    That’s cos Gatland is about to “Henry” Hogg.

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