Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Edmund Ignatius Rice Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
FATLAND FREAKS PHILOLOGISTS; BORG BEST BY BONKING ENAMELLED BATHING FACILITY; CHIEFS CEMENT CUP CHASE; TREVISO TONK TAFFS; WESHTIES WAN IN ERIC’S EXIT; TAHS KRUSH KINGS
The rugby world was left left literally speechless this Blessed Edmund Ignatius Rice Day when it was revealed that the worldwide vitriolic response to the 2013 Lions Squad selection had exhausted the world’s pejoratives to the extent that they verge on extinction.
THE SUNDAY Hask understands that only two of the world’s known pejoratives remain unused. After much soul-searching amongst our Executive Editorial team, THE SUNDAY Hask tossed a coin and agreed to pleas by linguists not to publish them.
“They’re the only two left on the planet, once they’re used – that’s it for pejoratives forever”, one linguist told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. “We’ve got the pair safely confined in a secret location where we hope to undertake a captive breeding programme. Hopefully the numbers will be sufficiently replenished in time for the Lions tour and Lions fans will have a full range of pejoratives to hurl at their team’s shite performance Down Under.”
THE SUNDAY Hask‘s investigative team failed to uncover the secret location and publishes this exclusive guess. We have masked the image in the interests of maintaining secrecy on the off-chance that we’re right.
Speaking exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask, Lions coach Warren Gatland was unrepentant. “Feck conservation. I’ve gone out of my way to attract pejoratives my entire career. The proof’s in the pudding. Or are cliches endangered too?”Gatland was unsurprisingly supported in his stand by Lions skipper Sam Warburton who told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “Get off the guy’s back. Without him I’d still be stuck on the side of a hill on an island in the south-eastern Pacific Ocean.”
England skipper and Lions Squad absentee Chris Robshaw was tight-lipped when approached by THE SUNDAY Hask for comment. “SYNTs, the pair of them”, Robshaw told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “but fer feck sake don’t quote me in case I’m called up as a replacement.”
In other only marginally less dramatic rugby news this Blessed Edmund Ignatius Rice Day, Saracens predictably overcame an enamelled bathing facility to seal top spot in the Premiership.
“We’d’ve had more trouble with a bidet”, figurehead frontman mouthpiece for distinctly unpleasant Brendan Venter, Mark McCall, told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively.
Meanwhile, Exeter celebrated retaining their HC place with a last-minute Gareth Steenson penalty to give Glaws the gripes in a 40-39 win that only served to underline the optional approach to defence in NH rugby. As it happened, Exeter’s HC spot was safe anyway after the aforementioned enamelled bathing facility had sprung a terminal leak against Saracens.
In Rabies land, Treviso farewelled George North both from the Scarlets and on his Lions journey with a 41-17 tonking in which he hardly saw the ball except as it passed him by on its way to yet another Treviso try. Best of British & Irish, George.
While, sadly, Connacht couldn’t mark coach and club legend Eric Elwood’s departure from the club with a win as they succumbed to Glasgow. THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively salutes Eric and wishes him well.
In Pooper Scooper land, Michael Cheika’s Tahs showed a touch of Cheika’s old crew Leinster as they ran in 11 tries against the tyro Kings team. The Kings have exceeded expectations in their first season but the relentless travel and playing is taking its toll.
NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – COACH’S SHOCK ADMISSION
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy Blessed Edmund Ignatius Rice Day and urge you to eat more of the cereal grain he is revered for popularising.