Mrs Whitelock’s Diary

imagesApril 5th 2013 will be red-starred in my diary forever.

‘Twas the first time all four of my boys started a ‘Saders Superdooper 15 match together. Oh, and my nephew Ben Funnell started the match at hooker, too.

I can’t believe I gave birth to a lock, two flankers and a back. I’ve been busy checking the family tree for long-lost Whitelocks and Funnells. Just in case. Imagine 15 of us taking the field for the ‘Saders …


“Feck me, we’re a similie again.”

Unfortunately, they didn’t manage to win the match on April 5th. Now I’m objective when it comes to my boys playing rugby but anyone with SkySport and without cataracts could see that 10/15ths of the team played like horse manure. Still, at least the match was in Safferland, so it’s not as if it really counts.

The four boys – plus cousin Ben – are coming home to Mangatainoka to celebrate. I think all of the area’s 85,000 folk must have been helping us get ready!


“Feck me, the pigs have gone. We’re next. A lemon up the arse and into the oven.”

It’s a good thing we rear our own chickens and pigs – we’ve had to fatten two pigs just to fill up Luke!

We also had the floor boards reinforced and all the door frames widened and made taller to accommodate Sam’s 6’ 8” frame. Last time he was here he broke all the furniture and got stuck in the toilet!

Now as well as doing the washing, cleaning, cheerleading and chauffeuring, I usually cut the boys’ hair when they come home. dannycareA number four with a fringe. I couldn’t be doing any of those so-called Northern haircuts! I mean, have you seen some of those English boys’ cuts? They’re trouble with a capital P for Police if ever I’ve seen it.

George+Whitelock+Adam+Whitelock+Super+Rugby+lEwvFNnlvsWxActually, George and Adam are starting to worry about their receding hairlines so I’ve ordered a tankerload of fertilizer. I’m sure that will do the trick.

Now, like all mothers, I know you’re wondering about discipline. Four hulking lads, how do I control them? It’s hard. I tell them they need to stop rolling around on the floor and they just don’t listen to me. That’s where Dad comes in handy. Dad Braeden was a Junior All Black and, believe me, he hasn’t forgotten how to ruck.


“Feck me, there goes another drive belt.”

I expect the boys will bring home their washing because that’s what boys do, right? I haven’t seen them since Christmas so that means about 200 sets of kit to wash for each boy, so 1,000 kits in all.

My washing line stretches all the way down to Welly! I need to ask all of Mangatainoka to help clean their boots, too, as we need to be finished before the start of next season!

Well, can’t spend any longer writing in my diary. The boys will be here soon! I can hear rumbling in the distance, must be the ‘Saders horses!


“Feck me, not all the way to Mangatainoka again.”

Read over Mrs Whitelock’s shoulder by Coddfish in the checkout queue at the Mangatainoka Co-op

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831 Responses to Mrs Whitelock’s Diary

  1. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    you forgot the ‘Goats Cheese’ bit

    get down to Lidl a 6 pack of Perlenbacher…..a loner with 6 nasty friends, then there will be only 5 of them, then 4, when the last one says good bye you’ll wonder what you were worried about

  2. yosoy says:

    Seriously in terms of quality rugby used to be crap

    It really, really did. There are some great moments of old rugby that I could have implanted in my eye and watch on an endless loop, but if I had to watch those disorganised defences too much it’d make me implode.

  3. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    Re: my dinner dilemma from earlier

    SextonHalfpennySandwich double bluffed me, I collected the little 2 from my mothers and was still home before her….she is getting the hang of it(although she made error 1 in my dilemma and got home too early and had to pitch in with the dinner) I may have to form a new strategy

  4. dovahkin says:

    Also I can get anything from the hotel on expenses but a receipt at bargain booze wont get past the boss man these days. Actually its another reason to go over the road and pass every penny off as client entertainment. Only it might be career limiting to be up at 2 pissed explaining to our biggest customer why really they’re entirely clueless and unrealistic and none of them would last5 minutes in a commercial company not bankrolled by the tax payer. Its a quandary

  5. meadesian says:

    Dov, have you not got that failsafe ‘I’m not a northerner really’ item of clothing – skinny jeans? Or glasses without lenses? If you do you can step outside in complete safety.

  6. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    £5 at most for your 6 newest bestest friends…..stick on a music channel and away with ya

  7. dovahkin says:

    An update for those kind enough to have offered advice.

    Walked a few hundred yards no offy in sight. Got scared (too much traffic for this time of night). Succumbed to my usual spot. Nice brie starter and a kamb shank on the specials. That’ll do and thus far no clients spotted. On edge. Wish me luck

  8. Killerline says:

    Someone turn to page 32…

  9. meadesian says:

    Got scared because there’s too MUCH traffic? All heading to a crack den, I presume.

  10. meadesian says:

    Killer, happy to oblige. Consider the page turned appropriately.

    Now what happens?

  11. Chekhovian says:

    Best of British to you, dov.

  12. yosoy says:

    On edge.

    Have a large cognac to take the edge off.

  13. dovahkin says:

    Was nice. Needed more sauce. (Or jus or whatever). Gonna look for new hotels for these visits. All the places on the company list are pretty soulless and far from civilisation. All traffic and no off licenses.

    No clients still. Eyeing the fire exit to avoid the reception area.

  14. Online booze delivery?

  15. meadesian says:

    You have their number on speed dial presumably?

  16. firstdifference says:

    You turn to page 32…

    Claw picks up a pool cue and swings at the enraged prop. The prop falls to the ground with a satisfying thud. Claw stands with a broken pool cue in his hand. Killer looks on with gratitude. Unfortunately, the noise from the fight has attracted the attention of the prop’s teammates who are now moving toward Claw and Killer. Do you run out of the door of the pub or stay and fight the prop’s teammates?

    If you chose A) run out of the door of the pub, turn to page 83.

    If you chose B) stay and fight the prop’s teammates, turn to page 19.

  17. Expro says:

    I know I am the only Eagles fan here, but here is a big talent – Blaine Scully doesn’t even have a 15s club right now, although did play 2 games at fullback in the 2011 WC,

    He’s big, strong and fast as this recent clip shows: those are 2 huge hand offs, and the Fijian 7s side is not exactly a pushover in the physical stakes.

    hope to see him at a European club soon.

  18. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    C) Offer to help Sag hold the coats

  19. meadesian says:

    B, Page 19.

    The odds are unedifying, the situation grim. At this stage salvation arrives in the form of the BTL meet-up crowd. Karl doubles over (steady!) two men with lewd innuendo, Christian Harris captures three opponents who are Welshmen in a 6 nations celebratory embrace, Meades incapacitates four in gales of laughter at his drunkenness, and RoS goosesteps into the bar clad in his Austrian rugby shirt and starts windmilling teutonically.

    And Tim scares the remainder into fleeing the pub by lurking right behind them with extreme prejudice.

  20. Droptheclaw says:

    Someone mention me? I vote Killer and I do the business in dealing with the crowd. I may be a fop but I’m good at fighting. Anyway. I have some spare tickets for both finals. Brumail me if you want some action.

  21. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    impressive alright, but does he get pinged or turned over when the clip stops??

  22. Expro says:

    @FFS – no idea, but i believe US won that game.

    considering he’s just gotten into the sevens group after coming out of U-Cal and surprisingly going to the WC (without Chris Wyles injury I doubt he’d have played) but I definitely think he’s a big talent.

  23. meadesian says:

    Good evening Mr Claw.

    Where did you get Karl’s tickets from then?

  24. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    have a peek at this


    dont your Jib-O-Meter will explode

  25. boaova says:

    Dov – yes, look for a new place, Victoria is a wasteland. Somewhere around clerkenwell would suit you better, with plenty of local quality boozing and dining establishments.

  26. Expro says:

    that’s pretty brave – i like it.

    he’s gotten really lucky with the bounce though – that could have gifted a try to the opposition.

  27. Droptheclaw says:

    My good brother, Mr Meades. With his wedding, he has a lot on his plate. It has left me in an unusual position. A potentially fantastic final and nary a taker. Never mind. I have Peter Sarstedt to keep me entertained.

  28. Droptheclaw says:

    And, good evening, Mr Meades.

  29. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    it was on a knock on advantage, but ballsie alright….great hands too when the bounce goes his way…..nice winning try too, more of the same on Saturday would be nice

  30. boaova says:

    FFS – madigan does have comedy boy band hair, specifically east 17 circa 1992, I think

  31. Expro says:


    considering the lack of depth at 10 for the Lions he could have been the uncapped bolter, right?

  32. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    brumailed you…… a mate would love to take 2 Amlins of yer hands, he has 2 halfway line premium tickets for the Heineken(so he is sorted that way)…..he reckons there are a lot of Heineken tickets floating about but amlin are like hens teeth, same for semi on Saturday, season ticket holders are getting 1st call, and left overs go on general sale 6 hours before the game

  33. Droptheclaw says:

    Brumail me bud.

  34. Droptheclaw says:

    You did…ok, lemme sort it with me bro

  35. meadesian says:

    Claw, so your brother is getting hitched this year too? I hope you’re chipping in to your ma’s hat budget.

  36. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    Wifey has started compiling a ‘he’d do’ list…..I’m pretty sure he was mentioned as cute a few months back, she refuted that allegation when she seen him last weekend particularly his barnet.

    Nailed On, and Halfpenny are on the list, as is Paddy Jackson…..I think its a mixture of the confidence and fear she can see in the close up of their faces when they takes shots at goal, well its probably pure panic in PJ’s case…….funnily enough Farrell leaves her cold

  37. famkeflaviasandwich says:


    yeah I thought he would be worth a punt as a bolter….Fly half, OC, FB, a good % kicker and a real threat ball in hand…..not a Gatlandball player mind you…..but I’d be biased on that

  38. Droptheclaw says:

    Right. 55 for the Amlin, 100 for the H Cup. In Euros

  39. Droptheclaw says:

    Mr Meades – he is indeed. The 31st of May, I am his best man, and dog help me.

  40. craigsman says:

    Dove – if in Victoria(ho ho) it’s a short enough walk to Westminster for some booze and food.

  41. craigsman says:

    Sorry dov. stupid phone.

  42. craigsman says:

    Ffs – tell your wife to check the Faz bulge. It might change her mind. Certainly does it for sag.

  43. craigsman says:

    Late night steal …

  44. Droptheclaw says:

    I bow down to thee, Craigsman. Here is a little twist to set you off. If I meet up with Lara and KJH, I’ll be asking them to sing along:

  45. Droptheclaw says:

    Ah, Dog damn it, here’s one from royalty itself. I’m off to Ireland for a bit. Until then, folks:

  46. laraxwell says:

    hope we get to meet 17th?
    Irish BTL gathering pace
    I have cashed in Brownie points
    I have some spare….

  47. avsfan says:

    Oh dear. Beale at it again. Suspended for another alcohol fueled incident.

  48. deebee7 says:

    @avs, benny – what a shame! He was fantastic last week but I doubt he’ll get a Wallaby gig if he carries on like this. Especially as there are a couple of other, ahem, fragile, characters in the reckoning.

  49. deebee7 says:

    From a Wallaby perspective, not too much of a problem with all the depth you bastards (not you, AVS, although as a Kiwi you have automatic bastard status as is) have at fullback.

  50. dermott says:

    Avs, I don’t think there was an alcohol-fuelled incident, per se. He was drinking, thus in breach of one of the conditions of his return to rugby which was no alcohol. Either way, the problem remains.

    New blog up, folks:

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