The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2): “I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”

Et tu, Lancaster?

I have been gracefully coming to terms with the absolutely shocking selection for the Lions.  How have I not been selected? What sort of sheep-addled Kiwi halfwit would possibly think about taking a touring side to Australia without the facility for DOMINATION? Particularly one based on bloody Wales who lost, lest we forget, 8 on the bounce against the shackle draggers. Anyway, I wasn’t overly worried, as there’s an England tour to Argentina on the cards. I hear they’re making noises about the Falklands again, so I’m surely absolutely necessary, as what’s the point of going to war and not taking your biggest GUNS?

So, I’ve been mostly relaxed about things. I even managed to squeeze in a few special appearances on the likes of Question of Sport (spreading WORLD CLASS BANTER™ to a worldwide audience) and promote HADES my new totally legal and tested on international sportsmen (well, me) supplement. You want to be ripped to hell? Well get HADES, for GUNS that would make Satan shit his thermal underwear. The only slight downside is that you have to administer it rectally, but these are the sacrifices that simply have to be made.

Anyway, I’m relaxing in the hot tub when I get a phone call from my agent. It appears, inexplicably, that the fucking PE teacher has omitted me from the England squad. I took this with my usual grace and sanguinity (HE’S DONE FUCKING WHAT?) but really, this is a most unexpected turn up for the books.

Still, what most don’t know is that I’m actually, er, injured. No I wasn’t dropped or even “rested” like Toby Jug Ears, but I am in fact nursing a serious injury that would prevent me from being my usual DOMINANT self.

What happened, you see, was that I was in the weight room when I received the news that I was going to be on the BBC. I jumped and ran to call my mum, but unfortunately, I had forgotten to unshackle myself from the machine. My strength is such that I made it a few steps before pulling the entire apparatus and most of the building down on top of myself.

For most people, this would be a bit of a problem, but I was holding the entire wall up with one hand, while manfully untangling myself from the equipment. During this epic battle between HASK and machine, I managed to stub my right toe. What nobody knows is that this is one of only two parts of my body that isn’t massively developed. I am unfortunate and do not have toes of steel.

So, I saw the physio, and he suggested I take the summer off to recuperate, or at least until my bruised toe is fixed. You can’t rush these sort of injuries, and I’m risking serious long term damage by making a comeback a bit early. I thought it would be better safe than sorry and put in a call to the PE teacher to tell him that I wouldn’t be available. I need not tell you that he was simply inconsolable at this news, and cried like a little girl.

It took me a few hours to calm him down, and he did take my assurance that it wasn’t him but me that was to blame.

I feel terrible about leaving the guys in the lurch like this, but really, it’s for the good of my career and I have a number of crucial sponsors’ events that I simply cannot miss. I’m not willing to risk both my health and THE BIG BRAND when I have a severely bruised tootsie.

Those rumours you may have heard about me crying at night? Utterly fabricated. Sure, occasionally the pain from my injured paw may overcome me, but I never do more than weep a single manly tear. Anything else is an outright falsification.

So, good luck England, and bring me back a side of beef.

Ciao

James.

PS- as a wise man once said when it comes to England, there are still many more days of failure ahead, whole seasons of failure, things will go terribly wrong, you will have huge disappointments, but you have to prepare for that, you have to expect it and be resolute and follow your own path.

So have no doubt that I’ll return. I’ll be back like a bad kebab the morning after a piss up. You just see if I don’t.

*SOB*

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754 Responses to The Secret Diary of James Haskell (IQ 25 1/2): “I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”

  1. avsfan says:

    I tried to introduce a bit of sex with strawberries, but it barely caused a ripple.

    Sad day indeed.

    Glasgow – Ulster final for the Rabies. Borg – Leicester for the slog-fest.

  2. dermott says:

    Been a bit busy in bronchoscopy land, Craigsman. Try one sometime.

  3. yosoy says:

    Last time I try and talk about wearing cowboy hats, you ungrateful bunch.

  4. elsnoopio says:

    @FD

    The problem is that game is too easy and over too quickly, it’s all of them.

    Getting a bit repetitive.
    Could pick up once Sexton is playing abroad and goes from the best fly half in the NH to one who would struggle to get game time for Connacht reserves, it looks like the gentle flower who had to be protected from the overbearing ROG has already become an arrogant prick and he’s still in Ireland…

  5. firstdifference says:

    Dermott, I hope your wife is ok.

  6. Craigsman says:

    Dermott – yeah sympathies for that and hope your wife is ok. But you can’t complain about material if you aren’t there. Is all I am saying.

    I had a blast.

  7. avsfan says:

    I think Conrad Smith needs to call it a day. Too many head knocks, nothing left to prove. He ain’t gonna win a Sooper with the ‘Canes any time soon, either, if that is what keeps him going.

  8. elsnoopio says:

    @yosoy

    Last time I try and talk about wearing cowboy hats, you ungrateful bunch.

    That was my highlight.

    @Dermott
    Hope things are okay.

  9. Craigsman says:

    Avs – is that Conrad’s head?

  10. avsfan says:

    It will be if he keeps playing. The lad is a qualified lawyer, so it is not like he’ll be stuck for a pay check.

  11. dermott says:

    Thanks, FD. Recovering from pneumonia. I’ve never known a more thorough health system than the Italian one. The Tuscan one, anyway. Reputed to be the best in Italy and one of the best in Europe.

  12. firstdifference says:

    I think Conrad Smith needs to call it a day. Too many head knocks, nothing left to prove. He ain’t gonna win a Sooper with the ‘Canes any time soon, either, if that is what keeps him going.

    Who comes in to replace him for the ABs? Kahui’s done it seems.

  13. Craigsman says:

    Geeze Dermott – I’m really sorry to hear about that.

  14. firstdifference says:

    The lad is a qualified lawyer, so it is not like he’ll be stuck for a pay check.

    Avs, you’re leaving out important facts about the NZ tertiary education system. Zac Guildford is a qualified neurosurgeon.

  15. avsfan says:

    I’ll add my voice to those wishing the Mrs a speedy recovery Dermott. Efficient health system? Must be a pack of socialists.

    @FD: not sure anyone can replace him, but it is time to find out. I’d go for Ranger or N-W.

  16. dermott says:

    Who comes in to replace him for the ABs? Kahui’s done it seems.

    Has R. Fruean’s card been permanently marked for his health problems?

  17. avsfan says:

    Dermott, I think so. Plus, he does have trouble with consistency, and lacks the versatility to come off the bench, like Ranger who covers wing as well. Coming soon to a French club near you?

    Avs, you’re leaving out important facts about the NZ tertiary education system. Zac Guildford is a qualified neurosurgeon.

    I’m sure the Brumbies have misspelt ‘university’ on their jerseys.

  18. dermott says:

    Avs, Tuscany is historically Left-ish, so there you go.

  19. crashtopuss says:

    @cat

    For someone who’s quick to call others nerds you sure know a lot about sci-fi/fantasy series. In-depth knowledge too.

    @dermot

    I’ve had a blast today too.

    @Craig

    DCC / Craigsman – Magician, Darkness at Sethanon and Silverthorn are the only 3 you need.

    CJ is partially right here. If you like those 3 then keep going and read the Serpent War Saga and the Empire Trilogy (his finest books IMHO, partially cos he co-authored them with someone else). A couple of the one-off books are good too. His more recent series though…. very hit or miss. Mainly miss for me.

  20. crashtopuss says:

    @dermott

    Also – hopefully your other half will have a speedy recovery. Pneumonia ain’t fun.

  21. dermott says:

    I’m sure the Brumbies have misspelt ‘university’ on their jerseys.

    They should have stuck with that milk sponsor they had.

  22. dermott says:

    Thanks, crash, and thanks to all. She’s on the improve. ‘Tis a bloody debilitating thing.

  23. sagmog says:

    Holy Fuck!
    Lee Mack and Catherine Tait are making a British version of Everybody Loves Raymond.
    What’s the quickest and least painful way to blind and deafen yourself?

  24. tichtheid says:

    Can I add my best wishes to the missus, dermott?

  25. dermott says:

    Thanks, ticht.

    Lee Mack should stick to his stand-up and that telling lies panel show. Had a look at the first ep of the new series of Not Going Out and it was dire.

  26. sagmog says:

    Had a look at the first ep of the new series of Not Going Out and it was dire.

    It’s a shame, ‘cos once they got the cast right in the second series, Not Going Out was alright.
    They really need to put it out of our misery now.

  27. coddfish says:

    @Dermott, hope your wife is on the mend, thought I hadn’t seen you on here much lately

  28. avsfan says:

    Another thing to add to the gastronomic travesty file: corn chips infused with sesame seeds.

  29. coddfish says:

    Re potential AB centres, I am becoming a fan of Nanai-Williams. Perhaps a bit small, given the ABs fondness for big boshers. Haven’t seen so much of Ranger. Doubt Kahui will make it back, even if he gets to Japan. SBW may well return. Nonu is having a ‘mare of a season again and must be close to being grassed out. I’d love to see Onrad soldier on but it can’t be good for his long term health. Of course DC can always play 2nd 5/8ths as the Kiwis call it, but it’s not his most effective position.

  30. tichtheid says:

    apart from rugby and the odd film, I don’t watch much tv at all these days, mainly due to having three teenage daughters who tend to hog the tv, and a wife who gets home after a week of junior doctor-like hours and just wants to veg out in front of non-demanding rubbish, and then we go out for as much of the weekend as possible.

    I liked Homeland, though, and the Killing. Modern Family too, but that’s about all I watch, really.

  31. tichtheid says:

    Now I’m getting thrown back four pages after a post, earlier it was just the three.

  32. flair99 says:

    Dermott, sorry to hear Robyn has pneunomia. I heard it’s quite painful. Please give her our best wishes for a quick recovery.

  33. sunbeamtim says:

    aaaargh , look what all this bloody fantasy/sci fi book talk has done to my head .http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=s0uIUejoroU

    Hope the missus gets better , Dermott .

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