The View From Behind The Sofa: Language


Sources adjacent to the Scottish International Rugby Team have made the View aware of a worrying development. If true, it represents a seismic shift in international sport beyond even the confines of Rugby.

Of course, the View doesn’t deal in rumour and hearsay, so we’ve conducted our own thorough investigation into the matter to drill down to the hard facts. We begin with a series of photos taken at Scottish training sessions that were provided by a mole within the team. We cannot identify this player, he only contacts us using the name Deep Clog.

Astute lip-readers will see the problem here.

Astute lip-readers will see the problem here.

Armed with these photos, we sent our intrepid reporter to the headquarters of the Lothian and Borders Police Force, to consult with one of their lip-reading experts. Once we had paid the fine for wasting police time, our photos were returned without further explanation. Immediately, it became clear, we had uncovered something big.

Unbowed in the face of this aggressive harassment by the police, we contacted the SRU Languages Unit for a statement on the matter. Sadly, they declined to make any comment other than to deny the existence of a Languages Unit. Given we had asked to speak to the Languages Unit, and were subsequently spoken to by someone, we think even the most sceptical reader will agree that something’s not right here.

Just as we were compiling this mass of evidence for publication, we received a note from Deep Clog. It was very cryptic, but we immediately understood what he was trying to tell us.

DeepClogNote001With this final development, we knew something had to be done, just publishing our findings wouldn’t be enough. To this end, we sent our intrepid reporter to Holyrood to demand answers from the First Minister. Despite repeated rebuffings by the First Minister’s staff, our intrepid reporter finally gained an audience with Mr. Salmond using a Chelsea Bun, which was skilfully procured from Greggs. The transcript of this is as follows:

Chelsea Bun: Cake of Babel?

La Chelsea Bulko: Cake of Babel?

The View:- First Minister, are you aware of the shocking revelations regarding Scottish rugby and language?

Mr. Salmond:- Bela Chelsea Bulko, dankon.

How the First Minister may have looked eating the Chelsea Bun

How the First Minister may have looked eating the Chelsea Bun

And, finally, there we have it, straight from the man at the top:-

The Scotland Rugby Team are being forced to learn Esperanto.

More soon from The View: Telling the REAL truth

About sagmog

Just the facts, man.
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834 Responses to The View From Behind The Sofa: Language

  1. thaumaturge says:

    Ooh, some good play there.

    BB – must confess I don’t have a clue about new Ravenhill capacity. The unluckiness of not actually living in NI.

  2. thaumaturge says:

    Clyde – the BBC2 commentators certainly seemed to think a pen try should be awarded if the straightforward one wasn’t.

  3. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Scarlets might not finish this with 15 men just through injuries. Ulster could start taking a few off for a rest soon.

  4. tichtheid says:

    I really hate the law that an advancing maul can get the put in to the scrum awarded to the other side – it’s just wrong

  5. tichtheid says:

    CMW – two men coming in from the side, in fact one was from behind rather than the side, affected the “try” – if it wasn’t grounded properly then it should have been a penalty try.

  6. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    Thaum – once he’d given it it should have stood regardless!!! If the right decision was one that none of the officials manged even to consider then that hardly improves their performance.

    Hoping for an Ulster Glasgow final now and would be pleased for either to win it. Fear that Leinster may have timed their return to form too well though.

  7. killerline says:

    I didn’t see anything looking remotely like a penalty try.
    But then I have had 2 beers.

  8. refitman says:

    That was brilliant by Trimble. Avoid the pain of being tackled by the opposition by tackling yourself.

    @Killer – as I said: Top class trolling. Don’t have to know anything about a subject to wind people up about it

  9. thaumaturge says:

    Clyde – yes! If it’s a try then award it; don’t change your mind.

    Must say I fancy Leinster, although I would prefer Glasgow to win.

  10. killerline says:

    @Refit you might be right, I manged to ignore him.

  11. thaumaturge says:

    Oh dear, Scarlets looking very dangerous now.

  12. killerline says:

    Classic Rolland home advantage.

    How Scarlets don’t get a pen…

    Then free kick at the scrum…

  13. Borderboy says:

    That was a good try by the Scarlets. Tom, thanks for that – 18,000? Just looking at the capacities of the grounds in the Rabo. It’ll be about the 5th biggest stadium in the league, although I don’t think Murrayfield should count as Edinburgh never (rarely – Heinie semi-final excepted) get anywhere near filling it.
    Ticht – I know it’s down the list, but I really think Edinburgh can’t develop as a team while they are playing at Murrayfield – 5,000 in a 67,000+ capacity stadium?

  14. killerline says:

    You might ask where a yellow card was there…

  15. tichtheid says:

    Rory Best is Ireland’s most-capped hooker?

    Good player, and it counts for nothing, but he’s no Jerry and he’s no Woody, but at least he doesn’t sport a Byrne-like mullet.

  16. killerline says:

    @Ticht Rory’s an excellent player. And lucky too I guess.

    Not many hookers look good against Keith Wood.

  17. thaumaturge says:

    Flannery had fantastic line-out skills, and Rory goes through the occasional bad patch in that department (no problems today), but Rory’s work in the loose is bloody fantastic.

  18. tichtheid says:

    Sorry folks, I was harsher on Rory Best than I meant to be – I have utmost respect for the guy. Woody is of course in a separate box, so shouldn’t be used for comparison’s sakes, but I was a big fan of Jerry, injuries aside.

    Who couldn’t love the sentence “Rory’s an excellent player”?

    My name is Rory/Ruaraidh.

  19. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    good win for Ulster

    Late Late Show just got weird, an owl eating a mouse live in the studio

  20. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    ‘Sabit like Ravenhill earlier

  21. thaumaturge says:

    I’ve always been fond of the name Rory/Ruaraidh.

    Now I must away. P’raps back tomorra.

  22. tichtheid says:

    They’ll be writing the complaints as we speak, FFS

    Mainly from people who had a meat pie for tea.

  23. ClydeMillerWynant says:

    I had a meat pie for tea. Was bloody ‘orrible. Have let Mrs CMW know.

  24. tichtheid says:

    There are a multitude of spellings available, Thaum, Rhuaridh being another.

  25. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    Ruairi in Irish, with a fada on the last i

  26. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    Nervous wait now….ITV NEws has been on for 10 minutes, If Lucy dont do the weather till be a waste of 10 mins

  27. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    he shoots he scores

  28. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    think she said there will be sunny spells, a risk of showers and blustery winds

  29. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    another Rick Allenish pass from JDII tonight

  30. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    must see if I can find a music show on the TV to keep us entertained for an hour

  31. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    BBC4 delivers again Jazz Divas Gold followed by Jazz Piano Gold

  32. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    what is the definition of a ‘Diva’???

  33. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    A diva (/ˈdiːvə/; Italian: [ˈdiːva]) is a celebrated female singer; a woman of outstanding talent in the world of opera, and by extension in theatre, cinema and popular music. The meaning of diva is closely related to that of prima donna.

  34. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    Amy Winehouse is a diva, is she jazz???

  35. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    what is Jazz?

  36. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    Jazz is a music that originated at the beginning of the 20th century, arguably earlier, within the African-American communities of the Southern United States. Its roots lie in the adoption by African-Americans of European harmony and form, absorbing those European elements into their existing African-based music. Its African musical basis is evident in its use of blue notes, improvisation, polyrhythms, syncopation and the swung note.[1] From its early development until the present day, jazz has also incorporated elements from popular music especially, in its early days, from American popular music.[2]

  37. MisterIks says:

    Just posting to protect kjh from himself.

  38. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    some biddy singing about ‘Sweet Memories’

  39. Borderboy says:

    FFS – you missed the earlier programme that talked about Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald and Peggy Lee. I only caught bits of it between the Ulster tries – I might try and catch up with it on iPlayer.

  40. famkeflaviasandwich says:

    since its yerself MrIks, I dedicate this to you and DCC:

  41. Borderboy says:

    This ISN’T jazz

  42. MisterIks says:

    Jazz, like Sky News’ coverage of Alex Ferguson’s retirement, tempts me to use the word ‘boak’ for the first time on this forum.

  43. Borderboy says:

    Ah, FFS – the best Disney song EVER! (And I include the Jungle Book songs in that)

  44. MisterIks says:

    I agree Borderboy – thanks for the reminder kjh!

  45. MisterIks says:

    Goodnight Thaum,

    Mr Rory Iks xx

  46. firstdifference says:

    I may have drunk too much at a work dinner.

  47. firstdifference says:

    Aaron Cruden most overrated player in rugby. Poorman’s quade cooper he is.

  48. firstdifference says:

    If you troll a blog a noone is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

  49. firstdifference says:

    I think I’ve played games that drew a bigger crowd than chiefs force.

  50. meadesian says:

    You can’t drink too much at a work dinner FD. It’s not possible.

  51. meadesian says:

    I sense an interruption in the Force.

    Probably Dermott coming along to demand squatting rights in my post and guillotine my pearls of wisdom by creating a new blog.

  52. dermott says:

    Not me, Mr Meades. More likely sag.

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