Sources adjacent to the Scottish International Rugby Team have made the View aware of a worrying development. If true, it represents a seismic shift in international sport beyond even the confines of Rugby.
Of course, the View doesn’t deal in rumour and hearsay, so we’ve conducted our own thorough investigation into the matter to drill down to the hard facts. We begin with a series of photos taken at Scottish training sessions that were provided by a mole within the team. We cannot identify this player, he only contacts us using the name Deep Clog.
Armed with these photos, we sent our intrepid reporter to the headquarters of the Lothian and Borders Police Force, to consult with one of their lip-reading experts. Once we had paid the fine for wasting police time, our photos were returned without further explanation. Immediately, it became clear, we had uncovered something big.
Unbowed in the face of this aggressive harassment by the police, we contacted the SRU Languages Unit for a statement on the matter. Sadly, they declined to make any comment other than to deny the existence of a Languages Unit. Given we had asked to speak to the Languages Unit, and were subsequently spoken to by someone, we think even the most sceptical reader will agree that something’s not right here.
Just as we were compiling this mass of evidence for publication, we received a note from Deep Clog. It was very cryptic, but we immediately understood what he was trying to tell us.
With this final development, we knew something had to be done, just publishing our findings wouldn’t be enough. To this end, we sent our intrepid reporter to Holyrood to demand answers from the First Minister. Despite repeated rebuffings by the First Minister’s staff, our intrepid reporter finally gained an audience with Mr. Salmond using a Chelsea Bun, which was skilfully procured from Greggs. The transcript of this is as follows:
The View:- First Minister, are you aware of the shocking revelations regarding Scottish rugby and language?
Mr. Salmond:- Bela Chelsea Bulko, dankon.
And, finally, there we have it, straight from the man at the top:-
The Scotland Rugby Team are being forced to learn Esperanto.
More soon from The View: Telling the REAL truth