Inside this week’s Bumper Saints Nereus & Achilleus Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
HEAVENS TO BETSY, PERFORMANCE ENHANCERS PROLIFERATE; SCARLETS SUNK BY SAINTLY SLIP-UP; WEEGIES WAVER AS BOD BROKEN; TIGERS TWAT TIRED TITLEHOLDERS
The rugby world was gobsmacked this Saints Nereus & Achilleus Day when it was confirmed that The Game They Play In Heaven is rife with assisted performances. Scarlets and Welsh out-half Rhys Priestland inadvertently rolled back the stone on the shocking situation when he re-injured his achilles tendon prior to Friday night’s Rabies semi-final against Ulster.
“Feck me”, Priestland was overheard by a THE SUNDAY Hask insider to mutter to teammates, “Saint Achilleus screwed me over.” Pressed by our insider, Priestland confirmed that he had prayed regularly to Saint Achilleus to heal his troublesome achilles tendon.
Told by our THE SUNDAY Hask insider that Saint Achilleus was, in fact, a patron saint of the military rather than achilles tendon injuries, Priestland said, “Well, I’m a little soldier”. When our THE SUNDAY Hask insider relayed the news to Priestland that Saint Achilleus was a eunuch, Priestland commented, “Goodoh. Dan’s been looking for someone appropriate to pray to. I’ll pass that on”.
THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that Priestland and Saint Achilleus are only the tip of the icon iceberg that rips a hole in the side of the HMS Myth that sails on the ocean of assumption that performance enhancement in rugby is non-existent.
THE SUNDAY Hask‘s exclusive testing found that Welsh would-be scrummy Mike Phillips regularly prays to Saint Guy of Anderlecht, patron saint of workhorses,
while Leinster and Ireland prop and convicted stomper, Cian Healy, prays to Saint Anthony the Abbot, patron saint of swine.
Saracens RFC, THE SUNDAY Hask can report exclusively, prays en masse to Blessed Albert of Bergamo, patron saint of labourers, while Sarries supporters pray en masse to Saint Lydwina of Schiedam, patron saint of prolonged suffering.
Off-field, a THE SUNDAY Hask insider at the SRFU reports that the new Scotland coach, working under Scott Johnson, is expected to pray to Saint Nicholas of Tolentino, patron saint of souls lost in purgatory.
But THE SUNDAY Hask‘s most shocking finding – or not – was that our own James Haskell prays to Saint Drogo, patron saint of dumbness, while, unsurprisingly, when approached by THE SUNDAY Hask about his contact with St George, nominal patron saint of courage, Danny Cipriani said, “Who?”
In equally shocking weekend rugby news, as already reported, Scarlets fell to Ulster in the Rabies first semi-final on Friday night courtesy of Rhys Priestland’s saintly ignorance. A Priestland petition to Saint Servatus, patron saint of foot problems, might have saved the night for Scarlets.
While Leinster fell over the line against the Weegies in the Rabies second semi-final despite living, breathing Ireland icon St BOD falling over on the pitch. And in the Premiership, Tigers twatted titleholders Quins, with Tigers coach Richard Cockerill later telling THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “Every night, without fail, before I put my bald bonce on the pillow to await the Sandman, I say a little prayer to Blessed Eustochium of Padua, patron saint of, um, children whose parents aren’t married.”
NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – SHOCKING LIONS OUT-HALF COVER’S CONFESSION
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy Saints Nereus & Achilleus Day.