Here I am, back with a thigh-slapper! See what I did? Mucked all the letters in Diary around again? There oughta be a law against me splitting so many people’s sides. Guilty, Your Worship, of slaying ’em in the aisles!
Anyrate, it’s been so long since I wrote in me diary that I’d almost forgotten how to write so I took the crayons along to Poey for a quick catch-up lesson.
Great bloke, Poey, even with the religion and all. “Bless you, Badge”, he reckoned to me, “for you know not what an Anserini you are.” Thighs like telegraph poles and educated. What a guy.
So where have I been recently? Went and bunged my knee, didn’t I. Missed a heap of Super 15, could even have screwed my chances of a gig against the Lions!
I mean, imagine it, a paddockful of Lions. Every Honey Badger’s fantasy. Canastas begging to be clawed off left, right and everywhere else and this Honey Badger could be parking his bum cheeks in the grandstand!
The punters’ll stay away in droves, the ARU’ll be even further up shit financial creek without a paddle, the Lions’ll romp it in and Link’ll be nosing his Lexus into Dingo’s ARU parking space. And not a bad thing. At least Link speaks Australian even if he’s spent too long in Queensland. All his sentences go up at the end? Funny fellas, Queenslanders, like they’ve never heard of a full stop?
Not that I’ve given up hope for the Lions, like. I asked Poey to put in a word with The Big Kahuna – not Dingo, The Bigger Kahuna even than Dingo – for Digby and Joe Tomane and Cooper Vuna and a few other wingers to go down with dysentery. Fair’s fair, they were at Poey to put a word in with The Big Kahuna for me to get leprosy on the autumn tour last year. We stick together us wingers.
Jeez, how I missed playin’ rugby. Got so bored I even took up ping-pong. Couldn’t get the hang of them stupid bat things so I’d have a feed of beans and cabbage, jam the ball up my clacker and fire it out jet-propelled! Phaw! They never even saw the ball coming. Talk about ping-pong! Haaaa! I’m on fire today!
Plus, when I wasn’t emptying out the clubhouse with my raspberry tarts I was doing a bit of male modelling. Who knew modelling was as easy as flopping our yer bum cheeks! TPN reckons I’ve got a big future in modelling with my bum cheeks. I told him he’s got a big future as a dunny brush with his hair. Haaaaaa! They just keep on coming!
But fun and all as it was, it wasn’t rugby I’m here to tell you. It wasn’t cranking up to claw a shedload of canastas off a paddockful of Lions.
Freakin’ Barnsey gave me the Lions squad list to have a look at. Just to rub it in. Prick. So I had a look. To be fair dinkum honest, I couldn’t place a lot of the names in their backs:
Iain Balshaw (Bath and England), Matt Perry (Bath and England), Ben Cohen (Northampton and England), Dafydd James (Llanelli and Wales), Dan Luger (Saracens and England), Jason Robinson (Sale and England), Mike Catt (Bath and England), Will Greenwood (Harlequins and England), Rob Henderson (Wasps and Ireland), Brian O’Driscoll (Blackrock College and Ireland), Mark Taylor (Swansea and Wales), Neil Jenkins (Cardiff and Wales), Ronan O’Gara (Cork Constitution and Ireland), Jonny Wilkinson (Newcastle and England), Matt Dawson (Northampton and England), Austin Healey (Leicester and England), Rob Howley (Cardiff and Wales)
Still, Barnsey just winked that wink of his, reckoned they play pretty all right, plus I oughta look out for this Balshaw bloke ’cause he’s great under a high ball. Fair dos, I’ll look out for him.
And with an ounce of luck, if Poey’s The Big Kahuna comes through with the dysentery call, I’ll be out there to claw his canastas off and hang ’em on me car radio aerial!
Anyrate, gotta go. Ping-pong again tonight, got a gutful of beans and cabbage, only I might have overdone it. Gotta really go!
Catch yers later,