Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Peter Wright Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
CALEDONIAN COACHING KEYSTONE-COPS CAPERS; STADE SUNK SEXTON-STYLE; PENSIONERS PINCH PRIZE AS COTTER’S CLERMONT CAPSIZE
The rugby world wasn’t in the least bit surprised this Blessed Peter Wright – born in Northamptonshire, lending unfair support via connections to Saints next weekend – Day when an Eocene-age fossil of a wasp became the latest individual to distance himself from the Scotland coaching job.
Speaking exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask from the Florissant Fossil Beds National Monument in Colorado, USA, the wasp fossil said, “Some guy with a Scottish accent told me it was the opportunity of a lifetime to work under Scott Johnson. I told him I’d rather be dead for between 34 and 56 million years – which, as a matter of fact, I have been – than work under Scott Johnson, and to feck off back to Embra.”
SRU President Alan Lawson was unrepentant when he spoke exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask. “I know a Wasp from a wasp”, said Lawson, “I’ve been on picnics.”
Lawson went on to deny to THE SUNDAY Hask that the wasp fossil distancing himself from the Scotland coaching job now meant that every single living – and even some dead, and even some long-dead – person and thing and even inanimate thing on the planet had now distanced themselves from the job.
“Absolutely untrue”, declared Lawson exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask. “Robert Mugabe is yet to get back to us.” Contacted for comment by THE SUNDAY Hask, Mugabe was typically forthright. “Work under Scott Johnson? I’d rather hold a truly democratic election.”
Contrary to Mr Lawson’s assertions, THE SUNDAY Hask‘s investigations confirm that the list of people and things who have distanced themselves from the coaching position include
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Roman emperor Hadrian, Humphrey Bogart, the IMF, gravity, Beyoncé, a single-cell organism as spokesperson for all of its kind, Ted Bundy, the Sahara Desert, Orville and Wilbur Wright, this year’s Cumbrian cockle harvest, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, the Higgs Boson, a bone dug up by Scott Johnson’s dog, and cartoon character Pepé Le Pew.
THE SUNDAY Hask can also confirm that the Sentinelese, one of the world’s most isolated people, disappeared completely off the face of the planet rather than work under Scott Johnson.
And in a LATE EXCLUSIVE THE SUNDAY Hask STOP PRESS, we can report that James Haskell’s 2,378 calls to the SRU have gone unreturned.
THE SUNDAY Hask – and, no doubt, Scotland rugby supporters – await further developments.
Meanwhile, in a weekend of finals, under-strength Leinster kicked things off by tonking Stade in the Amlin final – rugby’s equivalent of taking your sister to the Prom – 34 to 13 with soon-to-be Jean Sexton fetchezing la vache and farting in Stade’s general direction with a MOTM performance that surely nails him on as starting Lions 10 at least until someone else is. Weshties everywhere celebrated Leinster’s win as it sealed Connacht’s spot in next season’s Heineken Cup. Stade returned to Paris, their sisters, and planning what to wear to next year’s Prom.
While Toulon will return to, um, Toulon with the Heineken Cup and probably no more idea how they managed to beat Clermont in yesterday’s final than anyone else. Ultimately, the result reinforced that only three things in life are certain: (1) dominating possession and territory doesn’t guarantee you’ll win a rugby game; (2) OAPs are at their most dangerous with their backs to the wall; and (3) Delon Armitage is a certified cunt.
NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – SHOCKING SCOTLAND DIRECTOR OF RUGBY CONFESSION
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy Blessed Peter Wright Day.