Here at the HASK, we like to keep you informed of all activities related to Rugby, both on and off the pitch.
At great personal risk, I’ve managed to sneak in and plant a number of high-tech listening devices in the marketing department at the RFU. You may remember them from such hits as “Let’s wear an all black kit in a tournament in New Zealand” and “Unfortunate promotional video before the 2011 Grand Slam Match”.
Straight from the horses
Indistinct rustling noises. A door opens and shuts.
Marketing Scumbag number 1: Right people, we’re onto something here. We’ve struck gold with this current England side. Not only is the natural order restored, and they’re on their way back to world DOMINATION, but they also seem to be strangely not hated. This represents a golden opportunity for some blue sky thinking, and I want as many ideas as we can possibly have that address the major touchpoints, so we can proactively make the most of this window of opportunity.
Marketing Scumbag number 2: Not meaning to shoot the puppy, sir, but I’m not sure that’s feasible today. We’re running low on freebies, and I always think best when in contact with stuff I didn’t earn.
Marketing Scumbag number 3: (Yells indistinctly)
Sound of Door opening and closing.
Intern: Hi guys, it’s great to be working here. Am I in on this meeting? Need a fresh pair of eyes on it?
MS3: Christ, no. Stop, listen and learn. Why the fuck would we want your opinion? Just go to the stock room and pick up a crate of whatever bubbly is sponsoring England this year. I’m pretty certain it’s Bollinger. If we’re all out, call up Fiona in their promtions department and tell her we have a function THE HASK is speaking at and he’s requested some in advance.
Intern: Shall I tell James?
MS3: What the fuck would you do that for? Look, he doesn’t care, as he thinks his body is a temple. It doesn’t matter, because if anyone ever asks him, he won’t want to appear to be a moron, so will assume that its associated with his BRAND, and he already had it.
Intern: But I just thought…
MS3: You thought. Do me a fucking favor. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for us. You are here to protect our interests and to serve our needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, remember that it’s your responsibility to see that we get what is best for the RFU.
Sound of Door opening and closing, accompanied by a faint sobbing.
MS1: He’ll be back shortly. Right, where were we? Anyway, we’ve got a great chance to retrofit our entire identity; to undo some of the damage that our brand has taken in recent times. I really think how we move forward will be integral to our entire strategy for the next 6 months.
MS2: Totally agree. We can start from Year 0, draw a line under the mistakes and take on the new horizon. All I need to know is that any strategy has a distinct on-line presence, but more importantly is fully integrated into social media. Kids love social media.
MS3: I have an idea. Bear with me, because this may be a bit outside the box. But I think it will work.
What we need to do…
interrupted by door opening and closing. The sound of a cork popping is heard.
Fuck, where was I. Oh yeah, this shit. Look- people love the “New England”
MS2: Isn’t that in America?
MS3; Fuck off, I’m spitballing ideas here. I’m a fucking runaway train of inspiration, and you had better hop on board or I’ll crush you.
MS1: Can you two stop bickering here. The longer this takes, the less time we have for corporate entertainment.
MS3: Yes, so shut up. Look, this is where I’m going. New England, needs a new kit. I’ll contact some designers, and we can come up with something that encompasses the ideals of our new model England. I’m thinking we need some key messaging though.
MS2: It should be about how we’re breaking down the class barriers. We’ve got some Northern lads in, so I reckon our message is inclusivity. I’m thinking it should be a light pastel pink, with a paisley trim.
MS1: That’s fucking gold. Needs support though. Right, I’m actioning you to get on to the designer and draw that up. You call in some favours- we need a video immediately, and full Twitter and Facebook Support. Get that young Farrell kid to model it- he looks like a serial killer, but he’s from the North. We’ll be able to crack those peasant heartlands or my name isn’t Tarquin Fortesque Ampleforth the Third.
You- get me a power point presentation on our new key messaging. Shouldn’t be more than 10 slides or so, but I want it crystal clear for the board.
Now, let’s go out and beat a hooker to death.
So there you have it, the inner workings of the RFU laid bare.
As overheard on a cunning planted electronic bug in a strategically placed piece of corporate artwork. Transcribed by Dr. Claw’s Cat.