Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Eva of Liege Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:
CRAP CHRISTENINGS SHATTER LIONS SQUAD SOLIDARITY; TOULOSE TOPPLED, WALLABY WATCHERS WAIL; COTTER’S LOVE OF LOSING MAKES HIM CALEDONIA CERT; AVIVA ALIVE WITH ACRONYMS IN SHOCK SURFEIT OF SYNTS; LADYBOYS LAUD IT OVER ULSTER
The rugby world wobbled on its axis this Blessed Eva of Liege – known to her contemporaries as BEL – Day when news leaked from the Lions camp of shocking divisions within the squad with accusations of a clique formed by players known by their acronyms.
Our THE SUNDAY Hask insider within the Lions squad told us exclusively that
BOD, POC, AWJ and SOB have shattered attempts to foster squad harmony by training, eating, drinking, showering, and even pointing Percy at the porcelain and downloading brownware together.
Unaware of our THE SUNDAY Hask‘s insider’s allegiances, acronym co-ring leader BOD told him, “Is it our fault those other dicks’ parents didn’t have the foresight at the font to fast-track them as memorable? Take BOD. Snappy, instantly recognisable, saves a shitload of writer’s cramp signing autographs and fits snugly onto a BOD Brand Coffee Mug™. I mean, Alex Cuthbert? ACU? That’s only an N and a T short of a very apt description.”
THE SUNDAY Hask understands that coach Warren (WAG) Gatland, himself an acronym, finds himself in an invidious position. “He’s an acronym”, acronym co-ring leader POC told our THE SUNDAY Hask insider. “He knows it, he can’t deny it. Either he’s with us, or he’s just Warren Fatland.”
THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that attempts have been made to join the acronym clique with shocking results.
Welsh surrogate flanker Mike Phillips, declaring he should henceforth be known as MPH, was immediately nicknamed “Zero” by fellow squad member Ben Youngs in reference to the speed of Phillips’ service to his backs. THE SUNDAY Hask can confirm that a brawl ensued, with Welsh squad members piling in to support Youngs, retribution for Phillips’ years of impersonating a scrum half in Welsh colours.
Contacted for comment by THE SUNDAY Hask on his role in the Lions squad split, acronym SOB told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “Fecked if I know. I’m just a farmer. Now feck off, I’ve got to get the milkers in.”
Acronym AWJ was tight-lipped when approached by THE SUNDAY Hask about the squad split that threatens to hand the Wallabies the series on a platter. “What’s an acronym?”, the acronym asked THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. After THE SUNDAY Hask defined an acronym for the acronym, the acronym commented, “Fair dinkum? I only call myself AWJ because I can’t remember the whole thing.”
In other only marginally less shocking rugby goings-on this weekend, Wallaby fans were wailing after Toulouse’s Top-14
semi-final loss to OAPs Toulon, meaning scrum half Luke Burgess is winging his way back to Australia and a highly likely spot in the Wallabies squad.
“I still can’t pass for nuts”, Burgess boasted exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask, “so Dingo’s a dead cert to put me on the bench in front of Nic White who can.”
In the Top-14’s other semi-final, Clermont’s loss to Castres, following their HC loss to Toulon, frees up Vern Cotter to take on the Scotland coaching job. “I’m become very fond of losing,” Vern told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “so I’ll feel quite at home in Scotland.”
While acronyms in the form of SYNTS were the order of the day in the Aviva Premiership final won comfortably, in the end, by Leicester.
Infamous SYNT Richard Cockerill harangued officials over legitimate Courtney Lawes tackles – yes, he tackles legitimately, occasionally – and equally infamous SYNT Dylan Hartley likely gobbed his way out of the Lions tour by calling ref Wayne Barnes “a fucking cheat” a couple of minutes after being warned for abusive language.
While, in a half-time interview, Saints coach Dorian West entered the SYNT pantheon by blaming Cockerill’s haranguing of officals for Hartley’s red card while overlooking Stephen Myler’s rank stupidity and Hartley’s ingrained SYNTdom. All in all, not a good day for Lions squad hookers. One unpacking his kitbag and flogging his kit on eBay, and Tom Youngs having a SYNT of a day trying to throw the ball straight.
Meanwhile, acronyms were AWOL in Dublin where the Ladyboys completed a perhaps not-unexpected Rabies title win over Ulster.
NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – SHOCK SCOTLAND COACH STUMBLE
We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy Blessed Eva of Liege – BEL to her contemporaries – Day.