THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper Blessed Eva of Liege Day Edition – May 26th, 2013

acronym copy1Inside this week’s Bumper Blessed Eva of Liege Day THE SUNDAY Hask Edition, your go-to Sabbath Red Top round-up of all things rugby, sometimes factual but more likely entirely invented in order to boost circulation:

CRAP CHRISTENINGS SHATTER LIONS SQUAD SOLIDARITY; TOULOSE TOPPLED, WALLABY WATCHERS WAIL; COTTER’S LOVE OF LOSING MAKES HIM CALEDONIA CERT; AVIVA ALIVE WITH ACRONYMS IN SHOCK SURFEIT OF SYNTS; LADYBOYS LAUD IT OVER ULSTER

The rugby world wobbled on its axis this Blessed Eva of Liege – known to her contemporaries as BEL – Day when news leaked from the Lions camp of shocking divisions within the squad with accusations of a clique formed by players known by their acronyms.

Our THE SUNDAY Hask insider within the Lions squad told us exclusively that

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Lions squad acronym co-ring leaders POC and BOD with another acronym shortly before breaking the news to him that he’s not really in the Lions squad, it was a practical joke, no hard feelings.

BOD, POC, AWJ and SOB have shattered attempts to foster squad harmony by training, eating, drinking, showering,  and even pointing Percy at the porcelain and downloading brownware together.

Unaware of our THE SUNDAY Hask‘s insider’s allegiances, acronym co-ring leader BOD told him, “Is it our fault those other dicks’ parents didn’t have the foresight at the font to fast-track them as memorable? Take BOD. Snappy, instantly recognisable, saves a shitload of writer’s cramp signing autographs and fits snugly onto a BOD Brand Coffee Mug™. I mean, Alex Cuthbert? ACU? That’s only an N and a T short of a very apt description.”

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ACUNT weeps for his parents’ lack of foresight at the font.

THE SUNDAY Hask understands that coach Warren (WAG) Gatland, himself an acronym, finds himself in an invidious position. “He’s an acronym”, acronym co-ring leader POC told our THE SUNDAY Hask insider. “He knows it, he can’t deny it. Either he’s with us, or he’s just Warren Fatland.”

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“That’s MPH to you!”

THE SUNDAY Hask can reveal exclusively that attempts have been made to join the acronym clique with shocking results.

Welsh surrogate flanker Mike Phillips, declaring he should henceforth be known as MPH, was immediately nicknamed “Zero” by fellow squad member Ben Youngs in reference to the speed of Phillips’ service to his backs. THE SUNDAY Hask can confirm that a brawl ensued, with Welsh squad members piling in to support Youngs, retribution for Phillips’ years of impersonating a scrum half in Welsh colours.

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SOB with one of his milkers, shortly before milking, and the resultant career-threatening injuries.

Contacted for comment by THE SUNDAY Hask on his role in the Lions squad split, acronym SOB told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “Fecked if I know. I’m just a farmer. Now feck off, I’ve got to get the milkers in.”

Acronym AWJ was tight-lipped when approached by THE SUNDAY Hask about the squad split that threatens to hand the Wallabies the series on a platter. “What’s an acronym?”, the acronym asked THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively. After THE SUNDAY Hask defined an acronym for the acronym, the acronym commented, “Fair dinkum? I only call myself AWJ because I can’t remember the whole thing.”

In other only marginally less shocking rugby goings-on this weekend, Wallaby fans were wailing after Toulouse’s Top-14

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“Catch this, someone! Anyone!”

semi-final loss to OAPs Toulon, meaning scrum half Luke Burgess is winging his way back to Australia and a highly likely spot in the Wallabies squad.

“I still can’t pass for nuts”, Burgess boasted exclusively to THE SUNDAY Hask, “so Dingo’s a dead cert to put me on the bench in front of Nic White who can.”

In the Top-14’s other semi-final, Clermont’s loss to Castres, following their HC loss to Toulon, frees up Vern Cotter to take on the Scotland coaching job. “I’m become very fond of losing,” Vern told THE SUNDAY Hask exclusively, “so I’ll feel quite at home in Scotland.”

While acronyms in the form of SYNTS were the order of the day in the Aviva Premiership final won comfortably, in the end, by Leicester.

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“Don’t talk to me about acronyms! I’ve got a PhD in SYNTdom!”

Infamous SYNT Richard Cockerill harangued officials over legitimate Courtney Lawes tackles – yes, he tackles legitimately, occasionally – and equally infamous SYNT Dylan Hartley likely gobbed his way out of the Lions tour by calling ref Wayne Barnes “a fucking cheat” a couple of minutes after being warned for abusive language.

While, in a half-time interview, Saints coach Dorian West entered the SYNT pantheon by blaming Cockerill’s haranguing of officals for Hartley’s red card while overlooking Stephen Myler’s rank stupidity and Hartley’s ingrained SYNTdom. All in all, not a good day for Lions squad hookers. One unpacking his kitbag and flogging his kit on eBay, and Tom Youngs having a SYNT of a day trying to throw the ball straight.

Meanwhile, acronyms were AWOL in Dublin where the Ladyboys completed a perhaps not-unexpected Rabies title win over Ulster.

NEXT SUNDAY EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUNDAY Hask – SHOCK SCOTLAND COACH STUMBLE

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“Haggis? He’s the promising young lock, isn’t he?”

We at THE SUNDAY Hask wish our readers a safe and happy Blessed Eva of Liege – BEL to her contemporaries – Day.

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502 Responses to THE SUNDAY Hask – Bumper Blessed Eva of Liege Day Edition – May 26th, 2013

  1. MisterIks says:

    Funny how the wheels turn full circle. WAG trying to wind up Hartley based on his temperament a few years back prior to a Wales v Eng game. Then Hartley Lions etc etc

  2. whiteonesugar says:

    @meadsian

    Shitting in woods is a daily occurrence around here. No mains sewers you see.

  3. MisterIks says:

    Did I miss a migration to a new site?

  4. meadesian says:

    White, you must live just round the corner from Killer.

    Seriously though, where are you?

  5. meadesian says:

    MisterIks. The bastards!! I always knew my face didn’t fit.

    No, it’s just quiet tonight. Migration next Sunday all being well, but the old and new sites will be linked.

  6. Killerline says:

    @Meades I heard that.

  7. ElSuavo says:

    Seem to have bay-leafed the blog. Hope the new one is more resilient.

  8. ElSuavo says:

    Hahahahahaha – how many times have I thought I’d killed the blog, only to eventually notice a wee ‘Newer Comments’ link had appeared by my previous less-than-lethal comment.

    Must be a slow learner.

    Evening Messers Meades, Rigsby, Iks et al.

  9. meadesian says:

    @Killer. I never underestimate the sensitivity of your listening devices.

    Good evening El Suavo. I’ve done that too before now. You start to think you’re talking into the void, then you just realize everyone’s left you behind.

  10. ElSuavo says:

    Mr Meades, I must have done that 4 times by now. I think it is a function of me posting late evenings & early mornings UK-time. There’s often a lag until another poster chips in, so I tend to think that’s what’s happened. Takes me ages to spot the ‘Newer Comments’ link.

  11. Killerline says:

    I Chek all of you. Some of the better-looking ones I’d Chek from behind leaning out of a sash-window.

  12. ElSuavo says:

    You don’t want to do that, Killer. It wreaks havoc on the backs of some us older chaps. And possibly for other, more macho, reasons.
    But don’t worry – we still Chek you, too.

  13. deebee7 says:

    Morning all! That’ll be me, I think, and Dermott to close the blog as I zoom in on another early morning uncredited steal. Wassa link for the ESPN thing? I want a bottle of Jura. My missus likes it and I can pretend I bought it for her. Yes, that cheap.

  14. ElSuavo says:

    You’re not the only one that is around this time of day, deebee. Different for me as I’ve got home from work and it is early evening here. But you are right about getting the blog closed on us – happens a lot.

  15. deebee7 says:

    ElSuavo! Good morning/evening to you!

    In depressing news from a Bok perspective, Heynecke Meyer has confirmed he’s not looking past an out of touch Pat Lambie or a two-dimensional Morne Steyn as Bok 10 this year. I may just need that bottle of Jura as a tonic..

  16. meadesian says:

    Less than 500 comments in chaps, think this one will run a while longer. Good morning all.

    Deebee, what’s the logic in making declarations like that this early in the season? Puts those two in a comfort zone, and likely demotivates contenders. In fact the only rationale I can see for it is to make you miserable.

  17. deebee7 says:

    On second thoughts, I’d just like the bottle of Jura anyway.

  18. deebee7 says:

    Mornin’ Mr Meades! I think our first Test is only a couple of weeks away – Super Pooper takes a break whilst we entertain the Swords of the South, spaghetti slurpers and Samoa. ‘Slot of s’s in there. Hope it’s not a slippery slope.

  19. ElSuavo says:

    Agree – it seems a mad strategy to allow 2 contenders to be all that’s considered. Especially if Lambie is out of form and Steyn has shown how limited he is. Perhaps he is taking the Scots, Italians & Samoans too lightly? Surely there are others who might offer something more?

  20. ElSuavo says:

    Gotta go get ready for pub-quiz. I’ll catch up at work tomorrow morning. Love you & leave you… (almost expro-like if not for his recent romantic troubles)

  21. dermott says:

    Morning all. This blog’s sitting at around 500 posts but that’s because yesterday was a hol in certain parts of the world. Today should see a return to the usual shedload of comments and this blog will more than likely creak in a hurry.

    On that basis, there’s a new blog up:

    https://artofdomination.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/beards-of-war-part-1/

Comments are closed.