Make Lions With Violence, part 2: Tactics and shit.

6. That’s how many of t’Aussie Fly Half’s teeth I want you to bring back.

Eh up Lads!

It’s me, Shaun “Fucking” Edwards, Defensive Guru and all round hard man, and I’m back to share us wisdom before t’lions tour.

I’m reet fooking back and more than motivated for me summer. While in us house we’re not chuffed in the fucking slightest that we’re not going to Australia, I am glad to see our Warren mostly went with my suggestions. Not enough lads from t’north in there for my liking, but plenty of our reet big sheep shaggers. That’ll put the bosh up them Aussie cunts.

Our Warren has picked his squad (a few daft choices in there, but them’s his picks and if he ever wants to be All Black coach they had best not fooking let him down. As I want to be Wales coach (fooking soft southern daisies at Twickenham will never appoint us England coach).

Got me best tie on ready for t’interview at Twickenham.

So, after we battered fook out of them pansies in white in the 6 Nations (threw Howler’s nonsense plan out the window) I’m giving you some advice as I’m feeling mognamin mignamin fooking generous.

Beating t’convicts is reet simple. Basically, us team of taffs lost all them games on t’bounce because we weren’t big enough, and didn’t batter fook out of them. We did try, and we were mighty close on a few occasions, but that’s nowt in the record books. Close second is still fooking first loser.

What I reckon you need to do is pick the biggest, most ‘orrible bastards you can, get reet in their grills and then beat them like a fooking drum. If we’re tighter than a Yorkshireman in defence and meaner than an ugly scouse bird with only £3 of her dole money left, then the rest will take care of itself.

The Bitch Slap: Integral to us tactics down under.

I know you may doubt my credentials, because in League (where I earned me bread and butter) we’ve basically never beaten Australia, and Wales have a shocking record now, but listen to us. You know it makes sense. Therefore, I suggest the team should be:

Healy, Hartley, Jones
Paul O’Connell, Alun Wyn Jones,
Our Sam, Toby F, Danny Lydiate
Phillips,
Farrell,
North
Roberts
O’Driscoll if not fooked
Cuthbert
Halfpenny

There you go. A big bunch of bastards in t’pack and a big bunch of bastards with rock solid defence in t’backs. Thought about that lad Sexton as FH, but he’s wetter than an otter’s pocket, and the fooking shackledraggers will eat him for breakfast.

Least they’re honest down under

I know there’s a bit of scepticism about t’number of Taffs in t’side, but he’ll still have to coach them when they get back and t’fucking primadonnas will pout like one of them Hollywood starlets when told no if he don’t pick them.

Also, nice work in t’press, there fat lad. Reckon he’ll have put the shits reet up the English, Scots and Irish players. They’ll have a long way to go in Cryo Chamber before they’re up to quality of our lads.

And thanks for nowt, Warren, for sending us to Japan with our third team. You could have left me that Davies bugger for a bit of support. Yes, he may be as skillful as a poor lad with tiny T-rex arms, but have you seen t’shite I’m having to take? Even little Rhys has cried off- something about his fookin teddy bear not being safe to take on a plane.

This is not a good enough reason for crying off from t’Jap tour, Rhys. We’ll be having words when I get back.

Can’t wait for t’trip to Japan to be over. I’ve got 2 weeks in Torremolinos later in t’summer to look forward to.

Shaun.

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898 Responses to Make Lions With Violence, part 2: Tactics and shit.

  1. utnapishtm says:

    gettng worried now. hope u all ok

  2. Borderboy says:

    BOOOO!

  3. Borderboy says:

    Erm….

    That would have worked better* if it had been on the other page

    *Would not have worked at all even if it had been on the other page.

  4. Borderboy says:

    Everybody’s away for their tea. Mine is an exciting cannelloni from that Italian hotspot of Sainsburys, via the microwave. I know all about high living, let me tell you!

  5. sagmog says:

    Not dinner time yet.
    Don’t like to have dinner ’til around nine.
    Did go for a stroll and a medicinal smoke though.

  6. meadesian says:

    I used to eat that late, and even later, but I eat earlier now as it helps stuff stay off my hips.

    Are you sanguine about the technology tomorrow Sag?

  7. killerline says:

    @Meades you were in athletic shape when I last saw you…

  8. tichtheid says:

    I’m making burgers for tea
    I’ll eat before the French final at 8

  9. tichtheid says:

    killer did you really accidentally pick the baabaas?

  10. sagmog says:

    I eat earlier now as it helps stuff stay off my hips.

    Hips eh?
    We’ve got a table.

  11. meadesian says:

    Killer, you’re most kind. I try to stay that way, which means being thoughtful about what I eat and when. I’m certainly not expro-like about it though. I like food too much.

  12. firstdifference says:

    We’ve got a table.

    That confirms that the Great British Class Survey model that showed you were a member of the elite is accurate.

  13. Lads, the news is bad, very bad and KJH is not taking it very well. Flavia has left strictly, hes inconsolable, Ive had to send him to the pub, its that bad!

  14. killerline says:

    @SHS

    He always needs dragging to the pub that one I’m guessing.

  15. killerline says:

    @Ticht

    Yes it’s true. So convinced was I that I’d selected the Lions by 11 I was questioning the fabric of spacetime. Apparently I can’t operate a mouse; despite being in charge of dangerous vacuum equipment and acid.

  16. LarryM says:

    @s1/2ps – disaster!

    You only got one of your boys today, and then only a cameo off the bench.

    Bad day in in the Sandwich household.

  17. firstdifference says:

    So convinced was I that I’d selected the Lions by 11 I was questioning the fabric of spacetime. Apparently I can’t operate a mouse; despite being in charge of dangerous vacuum equipment and acid.

    Seems like sabotage is the most likely answer. You have probably been hacked.

  18. killerline says:

    @FD

    I didn’t even think of that. You’re right, I’m usually so accurate.

    Claw the culprit I’m guessing, or Sag.

    Someone whose moniker is a verb.

  19. firstdifference says:

    Trying to submit a panel for a conference, one of the participants sends me an abstract that is too long and then doesn’t respond on the due date. Is it ok to edit their abstract myself to get it down to the correct length?

  20. killerline says:

    @FD

    Emphatically yes. If you’re confident you can produce a coherent result.
    Abstracts for conferences are a movable feast in my game anyway…

  21. wolfie32 says:

    Right, time to watch Johnny………….(not get injured, please)

  22. firstdifference says:

    @ Killer

    Yeah, I am just nervous messing about with the work of two much more senior people than I am. Oh well, if I don’t hear in the next couple of hours I will do it and apologize profusely for taking liberties.

  23. killerline says:

    @FD

    that’s the only thing you can do.

  24. yesiamclutz says:

    Anyone got an English commentary feed for the French final?

  25. coddfish says:

    Very excited, just found the top 14 final is on virgin media

  26. coddfish says:

    Settles down to watch 3rd match of the day

  27. Borderboy says:

    Coddfish – whereabouts on Virgin? I have Virgin TV but I can’t find it.

  28. coddfish says:

    Ch 825 TV5Monde

  29. yesiamclutz says:

    Lovely snipe by the Castres 9 there.

  30. yesiamclutz says:

    Are any French based posters online. If so can someone tell me why the commentary team are in uniform?

  31. Borderboy says:

    Thanks Codd – tried that channel but I don’t have it on my package. Bugger.

  32. Borderboy says:

    Just watched a documentary with Brian Johnston from AC/DC. He must be one of the most down to earth rock ‘stars’ out there. Well, as down to earth as any person can be who is a multi-millionaire, living in Florida with loads of fast cars and a big boat can be. Still seems like a genuine guy. Always think he gets a rough deal from some AC/DC fans who still hanker after Bon.

  33. Borderboy says:

    Oops. That’s killed it (again). Everybody’s gathering themselves for the big launch tomorrow (?).

  34. shylurkingmrcoddfish says:

    Well played Castres. Toulon showed their age with no potency from their back line

  35. shylurkingmrcoddfish says:

    Even with St Jonny you can’t rely on winning from pens from within your own half which seemed the only consistent Toulon tactic

  36. coddfish says:

    Toulon were pants but poor Jonny

  37. Borderboy says:

    Mr (&/or Mrs) Codd – what was the final score?

  38. sunbeamtim says:

    Nice finish at the end by the 15 , whoever he is .Looks good in red .

  39. sunbeamtim says:

    BB – 19-14 to Castres

  40. yesiamclutz says:

    tim,

    That would be Felon, and as unlikable as he is, he’s actually a rather good rugby player… been in cracking form the last few months.

  41. coddfish says:

    Having connectivity issues. 19-14 to Castres. Sad little Jonny face

  42. Borderboy says:

    Thanks Codd & Tim. Did Wilko look like a Lion-in-waiting? Or just knackered?

  43. wolfie32 says:

    You can’t win a match playing in your own half and Catres kept Toulon contained after a first half of Toulon handling errors.
    Well done Castres but – looks like there’s too many PED induced zitsy faces amongst the Castres players to let me feel 100% comfortable – 95% maybe.
    Johnny played well enough I thought and Delon is a very good player whatever anyone might think of him as a person.

    Sorry, don’t know about the Blazers………………

  44. Unfortunately I missed the Lions game, does anyone know of anywhere I could watch it online?

  45. tichtheid says:

    BB, Wilko looked better than Faz or Sexton from what was available to each of them

  46. wolfie32 says:

    Ticht
    I agree
    Castres defence was up very fast and aggresive and he seemed to have all the time he needed…

  47. wolfie32 says:

    Time to sign off. Feels a bit like the phoney war after this w/end.
    Roll on The Sunday Hask

  48. Borderboy says:

    OK – looking forward to the Brave New Dawn tomorrow. Goodnight all.

  49. sunbeamtim says:

    Clutz , funny that , isn’t it ? One bloke playing superb rugby is pilloried for behaving like a twat , and cast into the international wilderness , and another one plays like a twat , behaves like a twat , but is universally applauded for being an ice cool , balls of steel superhero . Ho Hum .

    Anyone like to expand on the use of martial arts moves as a legal form of retaliation in rugby ?

    Interesting comment about the acne there Wolfie , can you tell us more ?

    Night all .

  50. killerline says:

    @Tim

    Tis the mystery of the armchair opinion machine.

  51. killerline says:

    Night you big twat.

  52. boomkingish says:

    One bloke playing superb rugby is pilloried for behaving like a twat
    It’s a mystery alright. My understanding is that – while in the process of scoring a match-winning cup final try – Mr Armitage, a black gentleman, metaphorically or literally thumbed his nose at Mr James, a white South African. I’d have thought that would get a hearty cheer from a bunch of ex-Guardian readers (CJ excepted).

  53. boomkingish says:

    Bit worried about Suavo – yesterday was unseasonably sunny and mild in Dunedin but the southerly has arrived and it’s cold and raining now – a bad time to be waking up in a ditch with a hangover. I’ve half a mind to go out looking for him, but did I mention it’s cold and raining?…

  54. boomkingish says:

    ALL BLACKS SQUAD (for 3 tests against France):
    Forwards: Dane Coles, Andrew Hore, Keven Mealamu, Wyatt Crockett, Ben Afeaki, Ben Franks, Owen Franks, Tony Woodcock, Brodie Retallick, Luke Romano, Jeremy Thrush, Sam Whitelock, Sam Cane, Steven Luatua, Liam Messam, Kieran Read, Victor Vito.
    Backs: Tawera Kerr-Barlow, Aaron Smith, Piri Weepu, Beauden Barrett, Dan Carter, Aaron Cruden, Ma’a Nonu, Francis Saili, Conrad Smith, Rene Ranger, Israel Dagg, Charles Piutau, Julian Savea, Ben Smith.

    Picked on form – past, present and future form, that it. Six uncapped players – Steven Luatua, Charles Piutau and Francis Saili (picked by someone who didn’t watch last night’s game in Dunedin), Jeremy Thrush (last unbroken lock; Ali Williams now wishing he hadn’t gone out on his own terms), and Ben Afeaki. And Matt Todd, which is just cruel. I hope they do the decent thing and give him a cap so he can add a few zeros to his Japanese contract.

  55. ElSuavo says:

    Thanks for the kind thought, boomers. Back home now and still smiling. My Blues-supporting buddy, who travelled south with me, had a good time but something of a scowl on his face every time I reminded him, oftentimes rather smugly, about the score.
    La Suava has indicated that I can’t go to all their games as a lucky mascot, but has still welcomed me back.

    Now it’s time to roast the chicken & veges for dinner and check out the new place and some of the old stuff from the weekend. Not having easy access to here has been the downside of the weekend.

  56. dermott says:

    Morning all.

    Your THE SUNDAY Hask is now available for collection at our new home:

    http://www.artofdomination.info/the-sunday-hask-bumper-thank-you-st-joseph-edition-june-2nd-2013/

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