Eh up Lads!
It’s me, Shaun “Fucking” Edwards, Defensive Guru and all round hard man, and I’m back to share us wisdom before t’lions tour.
I’m reet fooking back and more than motivated for me summer. While in us house we’re not chuffed in the fucking slightest that we’re not going to Australia, I am glad to see our Warren mostly went with my suggestions. Not enough lads from t’north in there for my liking, but plenty of our reet big sheep shaggers. That’ll put the bosh up them Aussie cunts.
Our Warren has picked his squad (a few daft choices in there, but them’s his picks and if he ever wants to be All Black coach they had best not fooking let him down. As I want to be Wales coach (fooking soft southern daisies at Twickenham will never appoint us England coach).
So, after we battered fook out of them pansies in white in the 6 Nations (threw Howler’s nonsense plan out the window) I’m giving you some advice as I’m feeling
mognamin mignamin fooking generous.
Beating t’convicts is reet simple. Basically, us team of taffs lost all them games on t’bounce because we weren’t big enough, and didn’t batter fook out of them. We did try, and we were mighty close on a few occasions, but that’s nowt in the record books. Close second is still fooking first loser.
What I reckon you need to do is pick the biggest, most ‘orrible bastards you can, get reet in their grills and then beat them like a fooking drum. If we’re tighter than a Yorkshireman in defence and meaner than an ugly scouse bird with only £3 of her dole money left, then the rest will take care of itself.
I know you may doubt my credentials, because in League (where I earned me bread and butter) we’ve basically never beaten Australia, and Wales have a shocking record now, but listen to us. You know it makes sense. Therefore, I suggest the team should be:
Healy, Hartley, Jones
Paul O’Connell, Alun Wyn Jones,
Our Sam, Toby F, Danny Lydiate
O’Driscoll if not fooked
There you go. A big bunch of bastards in t’pack and a big bunch of bastards with rock solid defence in t’backs. Thought about that lad Sexton as FH, but he’s wetter than an otter’s pocket, and the fooking shackledraggers will eat him for breakfast.
I know there’s a bit of scepticism about t’number of Taffs in t’side, but he’ll still have to coach them when they get back and t’fucking primadonnas will pout like one of them Hollywood starlets when told no if he don’t pick them.
Also, nice work in t’press, there fat lad. Reckon he’ll have put the shits reet up the English, Scots and Irish players. They’ll have a long way to go in Cryo Chamber before they’re up to quality of our lads.
And thanks for nowt, Warren, for sending us to Japan with our third team. You could have left me that Davies bugger for a bit of support. Yes, he may be as skillful as a poor lad with tiny T-rex arms, but have you seen t’shite I’m having to take? Even little Rhys has cried off- something about his fookin teddy bear not being safe to take on a plane.
Can’t wait for t’trip to Japan to be over. I’ve got 2 weeks in Torremolinos later in t’summer to look forward to.