Well, chaps, this is an exciting time. I’m a much travelled and highly learned man, and so I feel it is incumbent on me to share my collected wisdom with my loyal fans. So, when I got up this morning and found this missive from “Stade Francais Fan” in London in my inbox, it did naturally pique my interest.
I read his letter while taking an award-winning dump, and, my, what a pickle he’s landed himself in:
I’m at the end of my tether and I feel that you are the only man out there that can help me. My problem is that I recently started working for a new company, and I feel that my boss is purposefully trying to make my life miserable.
It all started with the squad announcement for the Rugby World Cup. You see, I was on tenterhooks, as I believed that England stood no chance whatsoever without your strong hand on the helm. As a result, I was avidly checking all major news outlets and http://www.jameshaskell.co.uk to make sure you were on the flight. Sadly, my manager came by my computer to find me massaging away a groin strain (caused by having to run into work) while your splendid photo gallery was on the screen. (Love the logo, by the way, what software did you use for it?). For some reason that is completely unfathomable to me he jumped to a bizarre and disturbing conclusion and accused me of shameful and disgusting practises in the office.
Since then, he’s clamped down hard on my internet access, and I’m being forced to attend a disciplinary hearing next week for pissing away work time on your meaningful twitter posts. I’m terrified as I really need this job, and I simply don’t know what to do.
P.S. you look splendid in that pink Kit, is your new club in Japan so sartorially superb as well? It would be a terrible shame to lose such an icon of rugby AND fashion to the far East.
Well, S.F, that is a truly dreadful situation that you’ve managed to get yourself into. You’re as fucked as a Kiwi stripper in Dave Strettle’s bed.
I do completely sympathise with you. Many is the time that I’ve over-exerted myself and been forced to apply some impromptu physical therapy to sensitive bits of my anatomy. It never ceases to amaze me how easily this innocent act is misinterpreted by the wider population.
To answer your questions: firstly, I did the logo myself. It took me a good 15 seconds and the only problem was that I accidentally DOMINATED three crayons when I was drawing it. I recommend using a sturdy crayon, preferably with a plastic case to prevent accidental snappage.
Secondly, the Ricoh Black Rams (I’m concerned that some Kiwi/ Welshman is going to grab the wrong end of the stick, and thus the wrong end of MY stick because of this) play in black, which is a very fetching shade on me:
Now, on to the meat of your problem. As far as I can tell, you’re worried about this disciplinary hearing. Well, you’re in luck, because I went and had a quiet chat with big Courtney Lawes(don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything) about tactics best used to DOMINATE these kangaroo courts. I said to him, “Big C, tell me what went down when you had to sit opposite those stuffed shirts for that power-Teabagging incident.”. His advice was truly illuminating.
Firstly, I presume you’re English, in which case, you should get away lightly, but nevertheless, there are some precautions you can take in case it looks like they’re going to throw the book at you:
- Make sure you have a good brief, ideally a QC.
- Pretend you’re sorry. It doesn’t matter if you are actually sorry or not as nobody gives a fuck. What they want is some act of contrition, for you to demonstrate that you know you’ve been a naughty boy and deserve a spanking, but not a thrashing.
- Prepare some testimonials referring to previous good character, and if you can feign a Damascene conversion all the better. If you can have a genuine conversion, that’s simply superb as it never hurts to have the man upstairs guarding your back. Just ask Kevan Meelamu.
- Above all else, make sure that they understand that it was merely an accident, and circumstances conspired to create a situation utterly beyond your control
Big Courtney reckons that it was following this advice that reduced his ban to two weeks.
In the event that this doesn’t work out for you, well, there’s only one option left. People always say violence is the last resort, and it is, but that’s because DOMINATION is the FIRST resort. I can’t emphasise this enough: if it looks like the hearing is going tits up for you (and I’ll be honest here, it doesn’t look good), then just grab the heaviest piece of furniture (I’d go for the desk, but I think you aren’t as perfect a specimen as I am) and use it to utterly lay waste to those mortals daring to question you. If you do it properly, you will utterly DOMINATE proceedings and they’ll let you off with a warning and advice to seek psychiatric help.
This should get you a couple of weeks off for medical leave, and if you parley this properly, then you will be able to witness all the RWC games that matter (i.e. England’s) without work interfering.
Hope this helps.