Ho fucking ho ho
Greetings and salutations.
It’s that time of year when everyone loosens up, relaxes and gets set to apply some DOMINATION to a massive feast. While you non-professional athletes may stuff your faces full of turkey and booze yourselves into a frenzy, the 25th of December for THE HASK is just a normal day. I shall, of course, go for a strenuous workout, before I put on my favourite banana hammock (the one with a tiger on the front, a fearsome beast covering MY FEARSOME BEAST) and silk robe to settle down to DOMINATE a protein-rich meal.
I shall not be partaking of alcohol, because my body is a temple and after that unfortunate incident where I ruined Christmas when I mistook my youngest nephew for a midget and launched him into grandmother’s chandelier I take things much easier now. Anyway, I’ve got to lay down some DOMINATION on boxing day, and you can’t be doing that when you’re heaving your guts out on the side of the pitch.
So, I was talking to Ginsters the other day, and he asked me what Santa was bringing me for Christmas. I’d completely forgotten this year, as he already gave me my fondest wish by allowing me to play in an England side that totally BEASTED the All Blacks (fucking WOOF!). Young Farrell pointed out that there’s no such person as Santa, but I wasn’t having any of that. Ginsters was completely crestfallen as he was banking on St. Nick bringing him a new whippet, or at least that’s what I think he said. I stopped him crying by pointing out that Santa is clearly real and DOMINATES the festive period with no little aplomb.
Fat bastard needs to get down the gym
So, I retired to my chamber, broke out my favourite crayons and composed my Christmas letter:
Dear Santa,
I know you bring presents to boys that have only been nice, and I haven’t been at all naughty this year. In fact, I’ve traveled the world preaching the WAY OF THE GUN SHOW to ignorant sheep-shagging barbarians, angry little people and so forth.
As such, I know that you will deliver me what I want or I swear to God that I’m coming to fucking Lapland to nut your reindeer, chuck all your Elven minions into the Arctic Ocean and DOMINATE Mrs. Claws to such an extent that it would be deemed pornographic and illegal in most countries (even Holland).
Heh, only joking, just sharing some patented/ copyrighted/ trademarked WORLD CLASS BANTER with you. Thought you would appreciate it.
Anyway, moving swiftly on, this is what I would like for Christmas:
1) For my Iphone Ap to DOMINATE mobile devices to the same degree that my website DOMINATES the internet.
2) A new shotgun. While my own GUNS are mightily impressive (sculpted even), they are only fit for close quarters combat
3) For that jumped up little PE teacher to come to his senses and select me before Tom “who” Wood for England
4) For Warren Gatland to come to his senses and make sure that I’m on the plane to South Africa. That bunch of fucking savages don’t respect anything other than the results of a physical in-your-face DOMINATION, and the other back row options aren’t up to the job.
5) A new gym. I have simply outgrown my current one.
6) A new banana hammock. This one is starting to pong a bit.
7) Porn
8) For someone to come through with the offer for me, THE HASK, to star in my own workout video. If octogenarian slapper Jane Fonda can make a mint off these things then it’ll be a doddle for THE BIG BRAND to.
9) Some new crayons.
10) A puncture repair kit. My girlfriend has, er, sprung a leak as it were after an overly vigorous piece of bedroom DOMINATION. They don’t make blow up dolls like they used to.
11) Someone to explain to me how to use a puncture repair kit.
12) A life size T-Rex to prove that I am the mightiest beast to walk the earth and would even have DOMINATED the big prehistoric bastard.
I’m only asking for 12 things, Santa, as I don’t want to appear greedy, but you know that what THE HASK wants THE HASK fucking gets or there will be consequences. As outlined above.
I do appreciate that there is some logistical difficulty with delivering my presents due to the absence of a chimney in HASKLAND (I decided to name my mansion after that place in Memphis where some fat yank died on the crapper), so I will leave the third window on the right on the second floor open for you. Please ignore the leather, er, apparatus. It’s just an aide to my workout.
Yours Sincerely,
James.
I put it in the post and went down for a bit of a pre-Chrimbo workout (I know people don’t use “Chrimbo” any more, but I’m DOMINATING the English fucking language, and am thus going to, as the kids say, “bring it back”). I bumped into Young Joe Lunchboxy (a fine lad, comes to me for guidance and advice all the time. I’ve made him what he is today, you know) in there and was smugly telling him about my present missive.
He was stunned “James, you thick cunt, the Lions are in Australia next year”….
Fuck.
What have I done….
Merry Christmas one and all.
The Gun Show: Inside the mind of James Haskell. 
Maybe, but there was a reason people didn’t do it as a matter of course.
Ella’s success rate testifies to that.
Lynagh made his suicide rugby work.
*going too far for effect*
@ Sag
I don’t see the point in monocausal arguments personally. I think Lynagh would be a post-treatment effect of Ella, consequently, any estimate of Ella’s effect is going to biased.
I think Ella introduced a style of play that was particularly effective in the amateur era, but was made redundant by professionalism and improved defensive lines and speed of players. It was evolutionary, say. But, I guess in the same way the Panda evolved, some what useless and poorly adapted to current conditions. But then again, I doubt the Brumbies’ style of play which was so effective in the late 1990s and also won a world cup, organized by Larkham and Gregan would work particularly well now either.
That said, anyone who can watch those videos of Ella and not feel excited is a little bit dead inside.
Missed Snoop’s comment. Evolutionary, yes.
Nope.
Larold told us he picked that word very deliberately.
Language is important.
@Triangle
Were Australia that bad before him?
I thought they were fairly average in the late 70s – a but behind the Boks and Kiwis but around the same standard as the NH?
Ok, if your aim is to argue with Larry, that’s fine. If you are interested in understanding Ella’s influence, this is a bit extreme. Personally, the later is a more interesting conversation to have.
At every point in this discussion, I’ve reiterated that Ella was awesome.
Just not revolutionary.
That’s such an enormous claim to make, that it deserves proper scrutiny.
Otherwise, language has no meaning.
@ Snoop
I posted the stats early in the thread. Up until the 1980s Australia only won about a 3rd of their games. It had improved before Ella, somewhat, but I doubt most Australian fans would have had the expectations of always beating the NH sides, as we do know (somewhat delusional, I know).
now, not know. Bah.
That’s not my aim.
My aim is for Larry to put the caveat “in my opinion” in his enormous statements of fact.
That’s not a lot to ask.
@sag
You are somewhat missing the point of posting anonymously on the internet.
@ Big Delta Person….
Damn.
(We do do proper debate on here though, Larry’s entire argument was appeal to authority)
@
I know. However, I think it is useful having people like Larry or even Baldy start off with extreme statements. It allows us to work out the nuances.
Question is, which is worse: Larry or Baldy?
Answer seems obvious, but Larry’s put in some decent shifts of late….?
@Killer
I think that’s a little unfair. Larry seems to focus on rugby related issues. For example, the value of Quade, Horwill, Ella (all Australian players, so I am on his side due to my own biases, and the rest of you against because you’re all a bunch of anti-Australian bigots who do not appreciate our unique rugby playing genius). Baldy gets more caught up in the identity politics of rugby, which is less pleasant or productive (I am also guilty of this).
@FD
I was obsessed with Aussie players when I was younger. Larkham remains, for me, the greatest player to chuck a ball. So what?
That makes my opinion more valid? No.
Oh plus I was just taking the piss earlier, you get that in Aus right?
@ Killer
I apologize, I got the tone wrong. I meant the anti-Australian bigots thing as a joke, of all the things in the world that are not issues, anti-Australian bigotry is one of them.
I was trying to lay out why, perhaps, I haven’t found Larry’s arguments as off-putting. In that, I agree with less extreme versions of them. I still think he remains more focused on the issues that are interesting and productive.
@ killer
I have been living the US for 8 years. So, I don’t do irony anymore.
No worries
Who knows what his game is…
@FD
off to bed now but I’ll restructure your irony.
Or die trying.
Night…
Does the level of irony fluctuate in inverse proportion to a particular society’s awareness of it?
Answers on the back of a postage stamp, please.
Morning all! Just popping in to say hello. Splendid work ATL. Had a magnificent weekend – was MrsHBH’s birthday party so we had most of our mates round for a big old black tie cocktail party.
MrsHBH struggled out of bed at 4pm the following day, remarking that hangovers at 23 are much worse than at 22. Success.
Might be popping in and out throughout the day, but if I don’t – Merry Christmas, you reprobates, and have a great New Year!
@elsnoopio
My recollection was that Australia were on an upward trajectory when Ella arrived on the scene. But I recall Aus touring in 73 and getting hammered by both Wales (no shame there – Wales’s golden era), and also by England (who were a fairly low ebb in early 70s). They had also lost to Tonga just prior.
But even on the 1981 tour (I’m relying on Wikipedia here) they beat Ireland but lost to England, Wales and Scotland.
Until Andrew Slack’s 1984 Grand Slam tour, my impression of Aus was that they were well behind NZ/SA – and probably only a match for NH at home. The 33% figure is about right – lose away to everyone and win between 1 in 2 or 3 at home depending on oppo.
It was after 1984 that Aus jumped to become one of the big beasts in world rugby. It’s only since 1989 that Australia merited a Lions tour of it’s own. Previously (excepting 1899), the Australia tended to be tagged on to a tour of NZ (or at least that is the impression).
Aus backline 1984 v Wales….
There’s a few all-time greats littering that backline.
Interestingly, they got better after Ella retired and Lynagh moved to 10.
Pinning it all on Ella is reaching in the extreme.
@ Sag
Lynagh and Farr-Jones debuted in 1984, and Campese was is their early 20s, of couse they got better. That is not an argument against Ella. How good could they have been if he kept playing? You need to keep in mind that Ella retired at 25. He achieved what he did before he hit what would be a rugby player’s prime. No one is pinning it all on Ella; however, if you asked most Australian rugby supporters, I think, they would tell you that Ella influenced the way the teams that those players played in played.
“his early 20s”. I have been drinking Sidecars.
@FD
No arguments from me about any of that.
Would’ve been nice if Ella hadn’t retired so young and gave us a full career to judge him by, would probably make much of this moot.
‘Tis an interesting subject though, given that Aus team went on to be the best in the world.
Right.
I’m off to collect my rib roast from the butcher and start prepping tomorrow’s feast.
Have a good one y’all.
Didnt the Ella brothers start in a League environment before going to union at school ? That may partially account for standing flat . Dont forget also that the default settings for back lines were steep for your own ball , but flat for defence , so any quick turnover ball would automatically lead to a flat standing 10 and back line. it wouldnt be a huge step from there to work out that against certain types of defence , you could play flat on your own ball with a back line that could play that way . . Thats where the likes of Barry John could shine . Also , if considered revolutionary , should the credit not go to the guy that coached him to play that way ( think i remember seeing a documentary of the Aussie schools side late seventies ?) Other factors must also be taken into account . The Ellas almost certainly grew up with an oval ball in their hands playing Aussie rules in the park , as well as league and union , so would show a remarkable dextrosity ( is that a word ) to us fumbling northern hemisphere types .What was considered remarkable to an Englishman in 1980 might just have been normal schoolyard ball handling in Sydney .
Retiring early also helps build the myth , think how we would be talking now about Cippers if he had never come back from that really bad ankle /foot injury?
Tims verdict , evolutionary , not revolutionary .
What’s in a Sidecar?
I seem to recall the ABs attempting to adopt a similar flat standing back line in the wake of the Aussies doing the same, with mixed results.
Well, a mighty christmas eve repast has been dispatched chez Meadesian. Moving onto the cheese course now, followed by chocolate. And given there’s a dessert wine on the go, following an epic bottle of red, probably unconsciousness. Until the kids start screaming like a banshee at 6 am.
A merry Christmas to all!
Traditional Christmas eve meal in canary household finished off – boiled bacon, steamed tatties & cabbage plus trifle. And wine
Dogs walked, stockings hung up. Santa tracker on.
Tickets for Munster-Ulster & Munster-Cardiff bought .
All ready for Christmas – a merry one wished to all here.
An extra big merry Christmas to all those HEROES out there who got up early to lay some DOMINATION on their turkey.
I plan to dominate a nutroast and some cheese, broccoli and mushroom pies. I was, however, up early dominating the red cabbage, it takes 2.5 hours to cook and then needs transporting 80 miles to the site of our Xmas dinner.
Merry Xmas one and all and here’s to a successful 2013 for everyone, (as long as England win the 6 nations in style and do well in next years AI, you can all be as successful as you like! )
С Рождеством Христовым всех (you lucky lot – have a bowl of sherry trifle for me!).
I’ve just had to DOMINATE a dining table and chairs that needed bloody constructing before dinner can be served.
Having dominated the 22lb turkey my Aunt provided us to cook, I am now graciously letting it rest before attacking it with the carving knife.
Merry Christmas to you all
I’ve managed to cook everything ok, thank Christ. Merry Christmas to you lot; you’re all great. Oh and by the way, I bought an engagement ring for herself. Wish me luck!
Merry Christmas, one and all! And good luck to DTC!
Everyone fed.
I’m now DOMINATING a herbal cigarette in the peace of my office.
Breast of duck everyone.
Good luck Claw!
I have been DOMINATED. Christmas dinner has won. Merry Christmas everyone, good luck Claw!
If anyone hears a muffled ‘pop’ sound in the far distance, that’ll be my stomach exploding from a surfeit of food. Yorkshire puddings have a lot to answer for…
good luck Drop
Oof, still full.
DTC – are you mad?
Reading over the recent posts, never in the history of mankind has so much been DOMINATED by so few. Well done chaps and chapesses.
Christmas has beasted me.
I feel like I won’t be able to heave myself off the sofa and waddle out of the house until at least the New Year.
About 10 years ago my muscle turned into fat… Now it feels like my fat is turning into something even less manly and robust – sludge? Slime?
Maybe I have turned into the first rugby worshipping slug.
Merry Xmas to one and all!
Ha Merry Xmas…obviously Steve Diamond found someone to sack.
What will he do when there’s only him left? That’s what concerns me…
In the space of 5 years Sale have gone from winning the Premiership to where they are now: unable to sleep ahead of the visit of Worcester on Friday.
Lose that one and all hell will break lose chez Diamond.
He’ll start drunkenly wondering the streets firing people that don’t even work for the club.
I now feel so righteous having gorged myself on a ham and cheese sandwich and an apple for Christmas dinner.
And C’mon Scarlets
Christ! Anyone watching Cardiff v Dragons? The state of the pitch!
It was difficult to tell at times who was dominating who around the Christmas table, but in the end the forces of gluttony and avarice won the day. Bones and bottles lay strewn about the battlefield, gravy and grease splattered the walls and lay in pools on the floor.
Dtc: I assume you will be giving the fine lady fair warning that she will be sharing you with another mistress.
Merry Christmas one and all.
Jaybus, that looks absolutely miserable.
Still looks like a pretty good crowd there, though, considering the conditions.
Both teams are so muddy already that you can barely tell who is who.
Patchell doing well with the kicking.
This is not rugby; this is team mud-wrestling.
am only coming through the tiredness, christmas eve I watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on RTE twas on late, finished at 2:40, got the Santy gear under the tree rolled into the leaba at 3:20, snoozeville….6:20 in come the kids…’get up get up we want to see if Santa game’….back down the stairs and santy did indeed come….one problem, the youngest got a dolls house, its about five feet tall and needed construction…..get my screwdriver and hammer….9:00 I get back into the bed for a little snooze before mass…..dinner at my parents yesterday was lovely, I was driving so only had a few beers watching the 2nd part of the Millenium trilogy…..think its pub o’clock…enjoy all
just to clarify, I had the beers after I got home….no drink driving
nesting bad
drink driving badder
Claw,
An engagement ring for Xmas? That’s a day she’ll remember, for sure. Did you have to wear a red costume and crawl down through the chimney as well?
Good luck to you two and enjoy the coming years.